2010 Year-end Reflection

How did the year go for you? I hope it brought you joy, growth, improved relationships, more patience, more faith. Let me share with you the highs and lows of my 2010.

The single best thing that happened this year is that I am alive at the end of the year! I have been face to face with death two or three times this year, but God granted me life. Perhaps there are still things I need to do. Perhaps I am not ready. Whatever it is, each breath, each movement, strength, energy, sight, ability to hear - these are all gifts I took for granted, but not anymore. For me, each day now is precious, to be lived to the fullest.

One thing that brought me joy this year is that I still got a job in spite of my limitations, and that my employers thought I am still valuable. My pay may not be much, but this gave my confidence a boost. The best part of my job? Payday!:)

Did I grow? I'd like to think I did - but this has to be confirmed by my children and husband. I believe I am easier to live with this year, not stressed of every little thing that went awry. I thought first before I speak - most times anyway and thus avoided the harsh words that used to plague me and caused troubles and heartaches.

This year, I managed to shed off ten pounds, I can celebrate! Fifteen more to go!

The best spiritual lesson I got this year: Humility. And wow, the pruning process is really painful!

(Photo of one of the trees in Geneva,Switzerland. They are pruned in the fall perhaps to keep the foliage from getting out of hand.)

"Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and mometary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 1Cor 4: 16-18

Letter, October 2010

Bacolod Adventist Medical Center, Rm # 316
Taculing, Bacolod City, Philippines
October 7, 2010

Dear Family and Friends,

Thank you so much for all your prayers for me in my most recent brush with death. It was a most terrifying experience.I was in Isabela, Negros Occidental spending time with my mother and some family members. I developed a high grade fever. My brother and sister-in-law, both doctors, examined me immediately, to rule out dengue! The fever persisted for four days – I was examined twice a day, my blood counts were checked daily, and everything seemed to point to a viral infection, without any sign of rash or dengue.

At the 4th day, my fever abated, and, lo, I saw scary looking petticheae on my legs. I called my brother and asked that I be reserved a room at BSH, because I am going there for admission. My platelet count the previous day was 98 (thousand), so I was not that concerned.

At the ER, after all the preliminaries, I waited for the aide to take me up to my room. My brother looked concerned (so that was how he looked when he is stressed!)– the ER nurse said my platelet count was “low” but avoided saying the actual figure… however, the admitting PGI spilled the beans, “it was 4!” he told me.

I was speechless for a few seconds. I know the normal is way up there – at least 150thousand… maybe 300,000. And here am I – closer to zero, closer to death than to life.

There is nothing else to do but talk to the Lord. I had prepared for this time in my mind over and over again several times in the past. So now, what will I do? Nothing more, except talk with God, say my goodbyes to my family, and relax and wait for the time when I walk that magic door that will take me “home.” My husband and son are in Maryland, Shari is on her way here and will be here tomorrow. I hope she will be here on time.

Well, there’s nothing else to do but wait. I recited the verses that I committed to memory: Psalm 103

Praise the LORD, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

There were other verses too, and they all kept me calm. That special paragraph from the “Desire of Ages” that I came across with recently in my reading:
“The omnipotent power of the Holy Spirit is the defense of every contrite soul.....With Him there can be no such thing as failure, loss, impossibility or defeat; we can do all things through Him who strengthens us...”

Giving up/giving in is the easy way out – fighting is so much harder, it requires a lot more from oneself. I had been tempted to give up, but that would be denying my faith. This is the time where the proverbial “face to face with fear’” or something like that is so true to me, but face it I will.

So here am I today, waiting for my body to regulate itself and dreaming of the time when I can get out of this hospital and go home. Home sounded so good!

Whew! We really do not realize what a precious gift we have in this amazing bodies we have. We are surely fearfully and wonderfully made!

Until next time, if ever there will still be a next time.

I love you all.

Nanay Paro, Part I

Nanay Paro is my mother. Born in 1920, she was the 4th among 11 siblings in rural Philippines. She was three months shy of 20 when she married her first husband, Jesus Gazo Jordan on May 6, 1940. Last Sept 16, 2010, she celebrated her 90th birthday. All of us, her 10 children and our families tried to be around to celebrate it with her. Afterwards, I spent a couple more weeks with her. I intended to stay one more month, but dengue fever (me) stopped it short. Sayang, we planned on going to Cebu together, spend a few days in Guimaras, and go to nearby beaches.

Anyway, our chats were precious. We seldom have the chance to talk heart-to –heart with our parents, do we? Especially in a large family like ours, ten children, imagine that – one has to be intentional in order to get some information out of our parents. We talked about how were they raised, their chores, relationship between siblings, courtship, early family life to name a few.

So here am I, attempting to record what I gleaned and hopefully not miss a thing. Well, someone else has to fill in some of the gaps later.

Amparo Pineda was born in rural Candumarao, Hinigaran, Negros Occidental, Philippines. She was the 3rd girl in the family. She was/is best friend to her older sister, Aurea, because they share the same fate of being the second and third child of the family. The eldest daughter was conferred some degree of authority and favor – she could tell the younger girls (Aurea and Amparo) what to do, and was sent to a dressmaking training as a young woman. Their father believed that only one should be trained, the others will just catch on, if they can. Aurea and Amparo learned to sew by taking turns sneaking in and working the sewing machine when their parents and elder sister Florentina were away. They both became good at it too and were able to sew for their families. In addition, Nanay even learned some embroidery, even ‘callado’ (lace work) from those stolen time with the sewing machine.

Education? No, not for women, according to my lolo (grandfather). This was why male child number 5, was sent to school, with the idea that he will help his siblings get higher education later on.

Back to Amparo. She went to school, finished 5th grade under American volunteer teachers. She was smart, and easily became one of the top students of her class. In 4th grade, her father wanted her to help out in the rice farm, so she missed a quarter of school. But oh, how she loved school – she returned to school after three months, caught up with the lessons, and managed to be salutatorian at the end of the school year.

After WWII when the country needed lots of teachers, her young husband encouraged her to study. Training was just for a few years, maybe even just months. She refused because she had a baby daughter then. She thought that if she will have to choose between a sick baby and a school test, she would choose her baby anytime. She vowed to send all her children to school, whatever it may cost her.

With all the domestic duties my parents have to do, and with the responsibility of looking after such a big family, there was very little time for a relaxing talk in our family. For as long as I can remember, there was always someone in college, high school, elementary, primary, a toddler or a baby in the family. Is it any wonder that Nanay and Tatay never talk about their courtship? This time she did. I will post it next time.

Of Noses

"Please don't feel bad," my husband told me as we were getting ready to go to bed one day last week. We were in my hometown for a family gathering, and most of my brothers and sisters, and their families are with us.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Yours is the flattest nose of all of you siblings," he said. All the rest have nicely-shaped noses."

"I know. Never mind - at my age I am perfectly comfortable with my nose, and am happy to have them. Besides, my nose perfectly complements yours." I countered.

My poor children! LOL!

Ang Bilugon

This is a tribute to my mother's discipline style - with her use of the ubiquitous 'bilugon' or a cane to keep ten children in line. We were approximately 2 years apart except for a 6-yr gap between 2 children, so you can imagine how much drama goes on every moment of the day! Anyway, I wrote this to have fun on a family reunion in 1993!

She uses a branch from a guava sapling. Guava tree is touted as one of the strongest tree, and its branch gives a zinging sound and, well, really hurts when it hits your behind! She always has one hidden on the top of our china cabinet, and woe is she/he who will steal it!

This is written in Ilonggo, my mother's tongue. To my Ilonggo friends and readers, enjoy this!

Ana


_________________________________________
Ang Bilugon
By: Ana Teo
May 1993

Sa tanan nga mga butang
Sa amon balay nga gindaku-an
Isa gid lang ang akon nahamut-an
Kay ini nagasugid sang isa ka kasaysayan.

Pagkakita ko pa lang makaisa
Sa iya bulotangan –ibabaw sang platera
Nagbalik-balik sa akon huna-huna
Ang akon ‘inheritance’ pinaagi sa iya.

Siya isa ka butang nga diutay
Wala sing bugal kag pobre ang dagway
Pero kon ma-igo ikaw sang bilugon ni Nanay
Ang imo kiwi nga pensar mapa-iway.

O bilugon, bilugon ni Nanay
Indi ko gid gusto ang imo dagway
Kon puede lang ikaw akon bali-bali-on
Kag sa akon tinig-ang i-gatong!

Kasakit, kasakit sang imo agi
Buli ko naglabhag sang ako Grade three,
Kay ginhinay-hinay ko bukad ang sobre
Ginkuha sinsilyo ni Nanay kag ginbakal dulsi.

Akon nadumdoman sadto anay
Si Otay kag si Pepe naga-away,
Indi na maka-agwanta si Nanay,
Tag-napulo ka hanot sa kada isa gin-angay.

Samtang kami naga-eskuela
Indi gid puede ang maglakwatsa
Wala labot sa akig, ang bilugon handa
Sa pagtudlo kon diin ang husto nga puerta.

Manipis, malaba, nagabagrong
Mainit ang agi, nagabiti, indi halandumon
Nagtudlo ini sa amon sang matarong
Gani kuedaho gid kamo kon inyo kawaton.

Madamo pa nga mga kasaysayan
Ang indi ko mabutang kay wala ko naagyan,
Gani kon may gusto kamo nga amon mahibal-an
Isugid sa akon kay aton idugang.

Asta subong sige pa ang trabaho
Sang bilugon ni Nanay – mga bata, kuedaho
Si Third kon treinta minutos na nga naga-ingos,
Kon makakita sing bilugon daw santos.

Madamo pa tani ang akon isaysay
Pero ang panahon masyado kagamay,
Isiling ko lang sa inyo – tungod sa bilugon ni Nanay,
Ang akon karon pangabuhi matawhay!

#

Of Sleeplessness & Alzheimer's

Today I had been up at 3:48 am, which has been my weekly cycle since February of this year. I take steroid on Wednesday evenings, and for the next three days I wake up around 3:00 a. m.. To maintain ‘sleep hygiene,’ I stay in bed until around 7:00 a. m., tossing and turning, sometimes drifting back to sleep for an hour or so before my digestive system sounds the ‘alarm,’ telling me it is time to get up.

Loss of sleep affects my immune system making me susceptible to temperature changes, infections and the like. Yet, the time alone in the quiet of the night also has its advantages - it gives me time to think, pray and make great plans for my day – and at times, for my life. One time I sang “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing,” all three stanzas, in my dream, sleep that was so shallow I heard myself singing the last couple of notes! Another time, my night thoughts cleaned all the rooms in the house - funny, I felt I accomplished a lot when I woke up, even before I held a broom. Well, let’s just say I cleaned better in my dream…(smile!)

Anyway, my will to write got a push when I learned about what happened to a friend recently. He was one of our bosses some time back. He was brilliant, smart, widely-read, and caring to his people. Now, he is suffering from Alzheimer’s disease and cannot do things on his own. His mind was taken over by something else – it is sad to see him this way, and I cannot help but wonder what would life be like if I was in his place?

I am most scared of losing my mind – to me, it is worse than losing my body. Is there anything I can do to avoid this plague? Memorization? Exercise? Reading the Bible? Scrabble, Sudoko, Crossword Puzzle? Raw Food? Vacations?

I can keep on writing out my thoughts. This is one of the things I enjoy doing, and at the same time this is an opportunity to leave something for my loved ones and their families when I depart from this world – in addition to their meager financial inheritance! Only God knows what poisons I ingest daily in the name of cancer medicine! With blogging, and journaling, death or Alzheimer’s or dementia will not be so fearful because I leave a little bit of myself through what I have written. Perhaps this will provide me peace and calm as I live each day.

“When people say, ‘She got everything, I’ve only one answer,” I haven’t had tomorrow.’” Elizabeth Taylor (1932 - )

Yesterday, our Human Resources office asked me to come to work.

I had opted to rest from my part time job for the month of May, and was happy when HR told me that I can be ‘floater on call,’ which will keep me in the employee pool. This is the lowest rung in the support staff ladder, but it has advantages: I can work out my schedule myself, and need not work if I am not up to it, and yet still be considered ‘employed’ and can get back to full time later without the hassle of applying again.

Well, I started on this category yesterday. Surprise! I will have to sort out, and alphabetize badges, and do similar mundane things for the next couple of weeks.

As I did my work, many thoughts crossed my mind: “Why did I say ‘yes’ to this job without knowing the details?” “I am capable of doing more.” “I should have stayed home and did some cooking – it would have been more challenging and creative.” “How can I get out of this job without being obnoxious? (it should be ‘how not to be perceived as obnoxious-’ I was already insufferably one!)

As these thoughts crossed my mind, I remembered these verses that I came across last week: “But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' "Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?” (Romans 9: 20-21)

Perhaps the New Living Translation might help me better:
“No, don’t say that. Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, “Why have you made me like this?” When a potter makes jars out of clay, doesn’t he have a right to use the same lump of clay to make one jar for decoration and another to throw garbage into?”

So, I told myself, “do your best at the doors that God opens for you.” If He wants me to be a common vessel, I will gladly do it, in His strength.

After the first half hour, my mind was at peace – I was cheerfully sorting out badges, and was looking forward to other similar jobs. My work will make my colleagues’ lives a little easier as they face the stresses and demands of a big meeting in a couple of weeks, and this thought certainly made my time and my effort worthwhile.

Dry Months

For some time it had been difficult to write for this blog. Nothing good came out, even as I sat and stared at the computer for the longest time. Of course, there are reasons:

1. Could it be because of my oral chemotherapy? I had been on a combination of Revlimid/Dexamethasone/Clarithromycin for close to a year now, and this has caused several health issues. Last summer 2009, my kappa/lambda ratio shot up, so I was placed on an oral chemo regimen. This means my illness is now considered chronic, and had to be treated with one of the myriad drug combinations for multiple myeloma. Result: sleepless nights, easily gets sick, fatigue, inability to concentrate, diabetes, asthma, etc, etc, etc. I have first hand experience on what ‘writhing in pain’ really is, and one bout of pneumonia brought me close to death’s doors, or so I thought. I will spare you the details – this is boring stuff and will not help anyone. Let us just say that some days are better than others, and leave it like that, okay?

2. Was it due to my part time job? Sometimes I think our jobs stifle our creativity. If you have to alphabetize 4,000 badges and do data entries all the time – the creative juices seemed to have dried up and even if one squeeze the hardest, the trickles come few and far between!


3. Is it because of Facebook? I finally succumbed to the invitations last year – it seemed that the whole community is in it. Acquaintances who disappeared from my life for 30 years suddenly show up, and it was great to know what is going on, especially on close friends and relatives. Yet, for all the good facebooking brings, I find that it takes up time, and crowds out deeper thinking. As they say, sometimes ‘good’ becomes the enemy of ‘best.’

So, dear friends and family, here am I, in one of my sleepless nights, giving you the perfect alibi as to why this blog had not been moving for a long, long time. I dreamed about it, wanted to do it, started writing but never finished it.

Hmmn, what should I give up:
a) my oral chemo? B) part time job? C) facebook? D) All of the above?

Little Things...

Seriously. This took place an hour ago, this day, this year!

Husband: “Darl(ing), can you please give Riann's other e-mail address (our daughter). I am wondering why she does not respond to my message for the longest time.”
Me: “ Oh, she is not using that one anymore. Okay – here it is: riannashagfoia@yahoo.com.” ( I was ready to hang up)
Husband: “Wait, wait. Just give me a sec, okay? “
Me: “Why?”
Husband: “I need to write that down.”
Me: “Really?”
Husband: “Okay, I am ready. What did you say the e-mail address was?”
Me: “: riannashagfoia@yahoo.com.”
Me: “Husband: Okay. Riannash – did you say Riannash?
Me: “Yes, dear. Your daughter’s name. You got it?”
Husband. “Got it.”
Me: “Then agfoia as in your family name.”
Husband: “Ok. I know that. Then at (@)?”
Me: “Yes, @ as in a-t.”
Husband: “What did you say the next word was?”
Me: “Yahoo – dot - com.”
Husband: “How do you spell yahoo?”
Me: “You don’t know how to spell yahoo?”
Husband: “Ya- then- ho.”
Me: “Make sure you got the double ‘o.’”
Husband. “Yahoo. Double o. Then dot com.”
Me: “Right! Great job!”
Husband: “Do you capitalize the R and the A?”
Me: “No, dear. All should be in lower case.”
Husband: “riannshagfoia@yahoo.com. Thank you, darl.”
Me: “You are most welcome! No problem, no problem at all!”

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love…… patience……” Galatians 5: 22, NIV