My Journal

I was not a journal keeper at all. I started a diary several times in the past but faltered after a few days – you know, the usual kind: daily for the first week, two or three entries the next week, then will drift down to once a week, and then will totally disappear. Many of those notebooks were recycled into something else, or tossed away still looking new. Not until I was diagnosed with cancer and faced with the shortness of life that I thought about journaling seriously.

The one I have now is a cross of a diary and a prayer journal. Sometimes it is creative, often I just write down what I feel or whatever is the issue of the moment. It is a record of what happened during my cancer journey. They say that writing releases a person’s creative energy which is beneficial, even imperative, to someone in crisis situation like me. Author Nuala O’Falloain writes, “Everyone should write so as to understand themselves. When you write down something about yourself, you kind of clarify in yourself what kind of person you are.” In addition, it is also a tool to confirm –or argue-- about a hospital bill, which comes painfully often.

All these, and the thought that my family would need something of me when I depart, spurred me on writing down my thoughts. Now I thoroughly enjoy doing it. Some are profound (I think!), some are funny, others are about my pain and despair, some are just brief enumeration of what happened.

Journaling allows me to have mental exercise, makes me feel like I am accomplishing something, gives me joy, relieves stress. And reading them from time to time gives me a better perspective – kind of like standing on a crossroad, looking at the unknown over the horizon, and turning to look back at the road I emerged from.

Let me share some of my entries, in the hope that this will nudge you into getting serious with your idea of keeping a journal:

May 20, 2007: “I have to lock the bathroom door when I take my turban off. My husband and children had not seen me bald yet. I am okay with this, I was ready, but well, I’d like to spare them the agony of seeing me without hair. It looks like they feel worse about this alopecia. Anyway, I know this is temporary, that when it grows back, my hair will be better. Besides, it is fun to try on wigs, scarves, hats and see which style fit me. I feel like I am a little girl playing dress-up. Thank You, Lord, for the hope that this will soon pass and will give way to new things, new hair, new life in You which is richer, nobler, more fulfilling!”

August 14, 2007: “Labs done today at 10:00 AM, they drew 12 tubes of blood; bone marrow aspiration at 1:00 PM with conscious sedation. Mindy did a good job, it was painless. Had to be on NPO for 24 hours – it was tough. I ate a little bit after I was out of sedation but threw up shortly afterwards. Good thing Jem was quick – nothing spilled. Reached home without any other incident.”

December 24, 2007: “Today I called Dr. Huff about the rash that developed on my left chest, armpits and inner upper arm – she said they were shingles. Terror! They look so ugly! I started on an antiviral today and took some pain medicine that knocked me down.”

Dec 27, 2007, in pencil: “Father, I am feeling awful from all the pain from these shingles. I do not want to take antipyretics nor Benadryl because they make me drowsy and inactive. Please, Father, if it is thy will, please take this illness from me today. The pain is like fire burning – the pain and itchiness keeps me awake and unable to focus on anything else. O Lord, please grant me the strength to live today…“

Have fun with your journal!