Monday, December 31, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Journal Entry, September 28, 2012
Saved by a Song
The past months had been difficult for me: pneumonia of unknown origin. This did not respond to the usual pneumonia medications. My primary physician was at a loss – finally my oncologist decided to admit me to the hospital for a thorough work-up. I had bronchoscopy, blood cultures, CT scan of the chest but all results came back negative. They thought it could be PCP (pneumocystis carinii pneumonia) an opportunistic pneumonia from a fungus – comes only when one’s immune system is severely depressed, as in AIDS patients. Oooops, am I that immunodeficient?
Well, on the clinical front, I am functioning, although under the weather most of the time. I still kept my half-time floating work – the job is not stressful at all and I can take rests in between if I need to.
Yet, being feverish all the time, cough, having to drink lots of fluids and the resulting frequent trips to the bathroom, loss of appetite, loss of smell and taste – these things have gone on for so long it got through my wall of defense. There were times I felt like giving up. You know what lifted me up during those days? Songs from the radio. They keep telling me
“Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining”
(excerpt from “What Faith Can Do” by Kutless)
Or this:
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if the trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?”
(from “Blessings” by Laura Story)
Lord, please forgive me for even thinking of giving up. Please help me to be brave and to trust You completely, believing that these things You have allowed me to experience is to polish me for Your kingdom – that You still see something good in me. Please help me to fulfill this purpose. And please help me to be gentle, kind, uncomplaining, unflinching is this storm. Just hold my hand, Father, through this difficult time.
The past months had been difficult for me: pneumonia of unknown origin. This did not respond to the usual pneumonia medications. My primary physician was at a loss – finally my oncologist decided to admit me to the hospital for a thorough work-up. I had bronchoscopy, blood cultures, CT scan of the chest but all results came back negative. They thought it could be PCP (pneumocystis carinii pneumonia) an opportunistic pneumonia from a fungus – comes only when one’s immune system is severely depressed, as in AIDS patients. Oooops, am I that immunodeficient?
Well, on the clinical front, I am functioning, although under the weather most of the time. I still kept my half-time floating work – the job is not stressful at all and I can take rests in between if I need to.
Yet, being feverish all the time, cough, having to drink lots of fluids and the resulting frequent trips to the bathroom, loss of appetite, loss of smell and taste – these things have gone on for so long it got through my wall of defense. There were times I felt like giving up. You know what lifted me up during those days? Songs from the radio. They keep telling me
“Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining”
(excerpt from “What Faith Can Do” by Kutless)
Or this:
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if the trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?”
(from “Blessings” by Laura Story)
Lord, please forgive me for even thinking of giving up. Please help me to be brave and to trust You completely, believing that these things You have allowed me to experience is to polish me for Your kingdom – that You still see something good in me. Please help me to fulfill this purpose. And please help me to be gentle, kind, uncomplaining, unflinching is this storm. Just hold my hand, Father, through this difficult time.
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