Gift-giving Challenge

"Surprise me!" Our twenty something son challenged me one morning this December. He was referring to the annual gift-giving we do each Christmas morning. He does not like the commercialism that has seeped into the Christmas season, and probably does not like the fact that he will again receive socks, boxers, shirts, ties - just like he did the year before, and the year before that, and... You get the picture.

I had suggested posting our wish list on the refrigerator door this year. I had my list ready: rhoomba, the I-robot who can do the vacuuming for me is number one on my list, next is the sewing machine, and there are more. If they miss one on my list, I should give them other options. But, well, I concede, financially it is quite difficult for us this year, so maybe I should not put my list up.

So, that morning, I coolly (I hope) responded, "Challenge accepted!" Our daughter liked the idea, and my husband kind of agreed to it.

The past three weeks, I had been on the lookout for gifts that would happily surprise my family. I quickly found one for my hubby, and it is not difficult to decide for my daughter who is struggling to pay for her school and living expenses in Nebraska. But it is something else for my idealistic son.

I checked the internet, asked friends for suggestions, decided on one thing today but did not like it the following day. In the end, I have bought and returned a couple of items I got online, and will have to return one more item tomorrow.

Yesterday morning we opened our gifts. It was fun to see their faces light up at each gifts are handed and opened. It was also refreshing to see how creative we can become when we put lots of thought, love and affection in the gifts we give. Our daughter got us all warm woolen hats, same style, different colors; she made us treasure hunt for our gifts. Yes, I remember, she was always that creative. Our son did not have anything wrapped, but promised to give us what I had been asking for all along: a recording of his violin music accompanied by his sister on the piano, and also a few of his guitar and vocal selections.

I gave our son a vintage Led Zeppelin t-shirt. He liked it, and said he was surprised that I can get that for him, that I even know what he likes.

In the process, I learned to look deeper into my family's personalities, and I appreciate them more. And, that Led Zeppelin is not a person but a band!

O Beauty, Where Art Thou?

"You know, research say that eating raw food is good for your immune system." I said and my sister as I gather the plates after lunch one day.

"Hmmmn," she replied. Not much response there.

"But after eating lots of salads for three months, not only did I lose weight, I noticed that my facial skin did not sag as much, and was even smoother," I continued.

"Really? Tell me more. How did you do it? How much raw food did you eat each day?" Now I have her attention.

I do not really fully comprehend how women are wired. But I know that a woman will perk up her ears, raise all her antennas, and turn them toward....any tip on how to keep herself beautiful. Especially if it is free!

I guess it is because women are made to keep things beautiful: herself, her surroundings, her home, her life. It had been like this since time began. Eve was the more graceful, softer, gentler version of Adam. Sarah had a beautiful,colorful tent near the trees of Mamre. When asked about how women in India keep herself beautiful, an acquaintance told me, " They would put a flower in their hair no matter how hard a life they are living."

And we don't need to look far - just see all the advertisement in the television, in your computer, in the newspapers, radio - everywhere. There is big money in enticing women to look their most beautiful selves. Posture, hair, skin, muscles in the right places, clothes, manner of speaking, grace, color, and the list goes on. You've heard this before: an average man has six things in the bathroom, while a woman has 360!

Today, though, I found this precious tip towards refinement and beauty - for you and me - free. Read on!

"True refinement will never be revealed so long as self is considered the supreme object. Love must dwell in the heart. A thoroughgoing Christian draws his motives of actions from his deep heart love for his Master. Up through the roots of his affection for Christ springs an unselfish interest in his brethren. Love imparts to its possessors grace, propriety, and comeliness of deportment. It illuminates the countenance and subdues the voice; it refines and elevates the whole being."White, EG, Ministry of Healing, p490.

Ah, so that's what it is. If we can only package LOVE and sell it as a lotion, cream, spray, or even a pill! Alas, that is the catch - it is free, available for everyone, but it is not cheap. It requires more than just money - it needs giving up of self for something more precious.

Disappointed Hopes 2

Yesterday I saw the Nurse Practitioner assigned to me. She liaise between me and my oncologist when the latter is busy or out of town.

K, the nurse, told me that my kappa-lambda ratio, my cancer count, is not budging. It has not gone up, but it has not gone down either. Therefore I cannot have the stem cell transplant as planned, and my weekly chemo dose will be increased, my guess will be for another couple of months.

I was hoping that the stem cell transplant will help me get off drugs for some time, but it looks like I have to have more of these drugs first. Talk about disappointed hopes!

It is good that I have found this quote a few weeks back:

"God never leads His children otherwise than they would choose to be led, if they could see the end from the beginning and discern the glory of the purpose which they are fulfilling as co-workers with Him." MH 479

And I just have to write this again:

"In the future life the mysteries that here have annoyed and disappointed us will be made plain. We shall see that our seemingly unanswered prayers and disappointed hopes have been among our greatest blessings." MH 475

Trusting that this is my greatest blessing yet!

Jackfruits and Life

Two weeks ago we gathered some pepper leaves from my husband’s little garden, for a Pinoy chicken soup that my sister and I had been salivating about for a couple of days. The pepper plants, three of them, are now bent low, loaded with fruits from bottom to top! It never gave us this much fruit during the warmer, comfortable summer, and now, this, when the weather has started to turn cold, and winter is at the door?

Our agriculturist cousin, she said, told her that this is a common occurrence in plants. They try their best to propagate when they are threatened.

An example, she said, is their jackfruit tree right in front of their house next to the road. One of its main roots was cut when the road was widened, and this tree which had been ordinary (meaning scarce, perhaps?) in its fruit production in the past began to bear more fruit which are sweeter and juicier than its previous fruits.

When I shared this with some friends, they admitted that this is known to farmers. They hack the trunk of the jackfruit in several places, wounding but not killing it, in order to gain a better harvest of fruits.

This is so new to me, and it amazes me that plants and people are not so different at all. As soon as we realize that our mortality is real, and that our lives will end sooner than we think, we shape up. We clear those closets, pay those bills, call often those people we care about, leave letters, give instructions, make memories. We evaluate our values, we change our priorities. A quick course correction is done, and by and large, towards a more meaningful life.

At least, that’s what happened to me when I got the big, scary C diagnosis. I asked myself what has my life like in the past years? If I died on that day, will someone even miss me after a year has passed? Will remembering me bring a happy thought to somebody? Sadly, I admitted that my life had been mostly thinking and caring for myself - far different from person I thought, and hoped, I was.

So, multiple myeloma, and probably growing older did me good. As one cancer patient said, life after cancer is like “The Wizard of Oz” scene after Dorothy and her dog Toto landed in Munchkinland: the scene turned into full color. What had been a drifting, so-so life in black and white are in full color since then. Every ray of sun seems to bring smiles from the grass and trees and flowers. Rain is now rhythms – songs that only those that are really listening can hear. Snow, gorgeous in itself, is magic. A breeze is a kiss from God. Spring is magnificent, autumn is love!

I look and listen better now, most of the time at least. I try to listen with my heart, and not just with my ears. I see better, too, I think, despite the blur of cataracts in my eyes, because I try to see the good in people and not their shortcomings. I am not there yet, but I am on my way.

Are you in any way feel threatened and fearful? It is time to bear lots and lots of good fruit. It would not hurt if you make them sweet too!

Disappointed Hopes?

The night is mine!

No, I am not out strolling, nor am I in a bar partying with friends or something like that. I am just home, unable to sleep since midnight. My family is sound asleep, and I relish being alone with my thoughts...

I kind of miss this, actually. I had been out of my chemotherapy drugs for about three months, and I was pleased about it: my life was back to normal. Well, new normal for me.

After having been ravaged by multiple myeloma, radiation and chemotherapies of all sorts, I am now 1.5 inches shorter on my right leg; have cataracts on both eyes, had a lens transplant on my left eye; has hearing discrepancy on my left ear; got peripheral neuropathy on both legs and some on my hands. I now have hepatitis b; had been attacked by dengue fever, had two or three attacks of pneumonia, had shingles and had first hand knowledge of what 'writhing in pain' means when I had UTI a couple of years ago. Quite a resume, don't you think?

But yesterday, I had to have that pesky chemotherapy again - Velcade, Cytoxan, Dexamethasone - to bring down my cancer counts so that I can have the stem cell transplant that my oncologist planned for me.

So, here I am, experiencing anew the effects of the drugs: my stomach was queasy, was lightheaded for a short while, got very tired early so I slept, only to wake up at midnight, and tossed and turned for two hours. Now, I am just making full use of my sleeplessness. If I'm not mistaken, I will be very energetic tomorrow, but will be out of sorts by Sunday and Monday.

But you know what? There's a good side to this thing: It seems that I am able to draw out my deepest thougths at this time - is it cortisol, or something in the drugs I took? Hmmm... this is worth a study, or perhaps someone had already studied this? Add to that is the fact that I got a relief from this toothache that annoyed me this week, plus my right leg is not much of a bother tonight. I believe these are all from the steroid that caused all the havoc that I enumerated above. Well, short term benefits, versus long term destruction? Can I even vote?

It is a good thing that I have discovered these words a couple of weeks ago:

"... Even when called upon to surrender those things which in themselves are good, we may be sure that God is thus working out but for us some higher good."

"In the future life the mysteries that here have annoyed and disappointed us will be made plain. We shall see that our seemingly unanswered prayers and disappointed hopes have been among our greatest blessings." MH 475

With an assurance like this, who can not rejoice in this 'new normal'? I don't know about you, but I will bask in my greatest blessings today, and every day afterwards.

Goodbye, Summer!

Thank you for your visit – it had been a wonderful three months or so. You must be leaving us soon: it has turned cooler, the leaves are beginning to get tinted with gold, orange and red, the children are no longer out in the sidewalks, and people are wearing their sweaters a bit more.

As I sort through all the photos of the recent months, I am already nostalgic. I wish you can stay longer. I had a wonderful time with you.

Who would not have a wonderful time? Birds chirping, cool mornings, long days, bright sunshine most of the time. Good, long morning walks, refreshing long drives, beaches, shorts and tank tops, sandals and flip-flops. Sunglasses, sand, sandals, sea, skirts, squirrels, starry nights. Brightly colored flower, juicy- red watermelons, barbecues, ice cold lemon juice, and my favorite this year: Selecta ice cream, buko salad flavor.

A sister’s visit. College reunion for me in Canada, high school reunion for my husband in Palm Desert, California. Meeting relatives and friends we have not seen for thirty or forty years.

A weekend in Toronto, a week-long foray into the national sites in Washington DC, a day trip and tour of Annapolis, an unplanned drive to Gettysburg. Sightseeing in the Luray Caverns of northern Virginia and a drive through Skyline Drive of Shenandoah National Park. My first drive on the Bay Bridge, turned at the first exit and promptly drove back.
.

There were downers, too: medical appointments, phlebotomy every week, dental appointments and procedures (ouch!), stem cell transplant, hepatitis b. Stop this drug, take this drug. Delay stem cell transplant. Waiting, hoping, waiting, hoping, waiting…

So long, Summer. Thank you for the good days – they will be kept in my “happy memory file.” Thank you, too, for the not-so-good days – they affirm that I am alive!

Cheers! Here’s hoping I’ll be around to welcome you next year.

Then followed that beautiful season... Summer.... Filled was the air with a dreamy and magical light; and the landscape Lay as if new created in all the freshness of childhood.

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

~James Dent

What is really important?

We've changed our floors! Chaged the living room and hallway floor to hardwood, and replaced the carpet in the bedrooms, stairs and basement. Not that this is exciting at all, after our muscles are no longer sore, I am sure this will not get more than a glance. The upcoming stem cell transplant will depress my immune system, and it is important to keep the environment clean, that's the main reason for this exercise, and expense.

But here is the most exciting part for me. Umm, maybe not 'the most exciting,' but something that consumed a lot of my time: taking down the contents of our bookshelves and drawers -and putting them back afterwards! Hello - do I have that much stuff? We in our family accuse each other that the other fellow has the most stuff, and no one will admit it. Now, we have boxes of proof. In case you're curious, I am not the winner, ha-ha-ha!

Today (since 3:00 am) I had been going through the boxes, and here are what I found out:

1) My daughter is just like me. We keep old articles, save whatever paper we scribbled our thoughts on, diaries, photos, cards. We both have lots of unused notebooks, unfinished crafts, boxes of yarns, books - lots and lots of it. This is both revealing and humbling. I guess I should go easy on her - after all, she got it from me. She wins this contest hands down.

2) My husband is very organized. He has binders for everything: home budget, travel receipts, etc. No need to enumerate them here, it should be enough for me to say that I get a better picture of our family's over-all picture: financial, medical, history, travel life, loans from his records. In this respect, our daughter is just like him.

2) We are a family of readers (or would-be readers, by the looks of unopened books. LOL!) I have to accept that, and just get more bookshelves and organize them well in order to keep my sanity. Sigh! And to be resolved to the fact that two (or three?) rooms will always be cluttered!

3) Our son claims he has the least stuff in this house. I agree. But he has his share of 4 guitars, 1 violin, 1 cahone, and 4 - that something you connect your electric guitar to - forgot the name, blame it on sleeplessness - which fills up the room. I told him he has to have a bigger room/another room for his music gear. But, come to think of it, I like him to stay in his small room so that there will be no place for a drum set which he had been dreaming for so long.

4) To throw or not to throw - this is the question! I have a box of greeting cards sent to me by friends and acquaintances from all over the world. In an effort to save space, I have looked into these cards. It has now become clearer to me: I will not get rid of these hope-filled greetings that told me of the care and concern of a lot of people for me. Going through them one by one, I was tearing up again. No, this box will stay with me until I die, perhaps. They are precious to me.

Oh, being sleepless from a medication is not too bad, after all. Great ideas, deeper reflection, full concentration, having time for my devotions - I have learned to enjoy this time by now. Somehow this time helps me see what is really important in my life. It is really good!

So, wish me luck as I resolve to ruthlessly edit my things, saving only what has meaning, brings fulfillment, and has eternal value. And yes, sometimes, these things may cause a little clutter here and there. I won't mind.

Pearl Wedding Anniversary

We have not had a party in a long while.

I had been on the brink of death a few times the past year.

My husband is always traveling, in airplanes of all kinds, cars - some nice, some without side view mirrors with all kinds of drivers, in foreign places. Someone calls an airplane 'flying coffin".

No wedding in sight yet, at the moment, for our children. (Sigh!)

Hoping that our children will know that a lasting marriage is possible even between imperfect people.

I will have stem cell transplant soon. Who knows what will happen next?

We have been married thirty years as of June 3, 2011.

We celebrated it on June 11, 2011. We had fun! Enjoy the photos.

BMT.
Probably July.
Five sets of instructions.
And consents.
Not fun.

Words like "Mobilization (of stem cells from bone marrow to the blood using chemotherapy and growth factor) and leukapheresis (or collection of blood stem cells) for transplantation."

14. Liver function abnormalities (such as hepatitis from infections or drugs and veno- occlusive disease) that may be progressive

16. Failure of the stem cells to grow and produce normal red blood cells, white blood cells and platelets which would be fatal

Scary.

But I have this: "God's promises are leaves from the tree 'for the healing of the nations.'" Received, assimilated, they are to be the strength of the character, the inspiration and sustenance of life. NOthing else can have such healing power. Nothing besides can impart the courage and faith which give vital enegy to the whole being."

Sample:
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume
Others were given in exchange for you.
I traded their lives for yours
...because you are precious to me.
You are honored, and I love you.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

Sit up and walk tall, Ana. You have nothing to fear.

Update on the 'Less Poisonous' Stuff

It has been more than one month into my new toxin-less regimen. I had to make some adjustments to mine, experimenting on what works best on me. If there is one thing I learned from my cancer treatments, it is the fact that we are so the same, yet so different at the same time!

I thought it would be good to just post the ingredients and formula for those who might be interested. Here goes:

*
Face Cleanser (Oil Cleansing Method)

For Normal Skin: 1:1 ratio of castor oil and extra virgin olive oil.
For Dry Skin: 1 part castor oil to 3 parts extra virgin olive oil.
For Acne-prone Skin: 3 parts castor oil to 1 part extra virgin olive oil.
Method:
1) Splash water on face
2) Rub it in.
3) Steam your face. I use a hot, damp face towel and put it on my face for a few minutes.
4) Wipe off oil.

I had used the one castor oil to 3 parts EVOO, I will try the one to one ratio and see if I will get better results.
*
Hair Care: 'Poo-less Shampoo
1 tablespoon baking soda to one cup (8 oz) water
Soak hair with water
Squeeze a bit of soda mixture to scalp. Massage mixture to scalp and hair.
Rinse.
*

"Conditioner" (actually, detangler)
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar to one cup water
If hair is too oily, use less vinegar
May use lemon juice.
*

So, please let me know if any of these works with you - I might want to partner with you to make a financial empire of... baking soda and water shampoo? Ha-ha-ha! My statistics professor told us one day in class that study after study done on the different brand of shampoos showed that "a shampoo is a shampoo is a shampoo." His words. All shampoos are the same, but, he added, "Tell any woman that - no one will believe you." ???? I remember his words whenever I see shampoos sold at $17 and higher for an 8 oz bottle - dampens my shopping enthusiasm.

One thing is sure: I will keep trying. This is an adventure - I know that the best things are just around us, common and inexpensive, maybe even ignored, and the key is is finding it.

Wanna share what you have found?

Until next post!

In Search of the Less Poisonous

After doing my share of readings of what worked and what did not work in cancer therapy, I have come across warnings against the use of shampoos, hair conditioners, skin lotions, cosmetics for the many poisonous ingredients that are in there. These poisons, many claim, make these products likeable.

I initially shrugged all these off, it could make one crazy just to think about all these. However, multiple myeloma seems to be a "poison-induced" cancer. Many patients have been found to have been exposed to insecticide, fertilizers, strong cleaning agents, etc.

Add to this the argument that we are very careful of our food, but we are indifferent (and sucker) to cosmetics because - skin absorbs what we put onto it just as well as our stomachs and intestines.

Okay, so I am in. My search led to me Simple Mom's site (simplemom.net), where she and her group of blogger friends have found a way to do a "'poo-less shampoo'" and an organic conditioner, and a facial treatment that is purely natural.

To make the long story short, I am one month into the facial treatment of 3 parts olive oil and 1 part castor oil. So far so good. Will let you know when I have reached the three month mark. And if I will get a supermodel complexion, I will post my photo here. If not, I will just tell you how much money I saved!

I am also one month into the 1 part baking soda plus 1 cup of water as a 'poo-less' shampoo. I altered my routine by using my tea tree oil shampoo once a week. This works better for me because it makes my hair looks and feel better. I will keep trying other combinations.

I have not tried the 1 part apple cider vinegar plus one cup of water' as conditioner yet. Maybe I should get into it and see what happens.

My only problem now is my skin lotion. It is winter and the heaters are quite notorious at drying the skin. I've used coconut cream lotion - it was okay, but during the first few minutes I smell like pina colada. I am about to finish the last bottle. What shall I do: shall I order more bottles, or shall I just use coconut oil direct as one blogger suggested? I have not tried it yet and if the smell is not too different from the one I am using now, it should be okay, right? And I have half a tub here in my kitchen. Hmmm.

Oh, well. That's living - we keep growing, learning, trying new things, discarding some of those things we hold almost sacred before, and embracing things considered gross a few days ago, like coconut oilfor skin lotion. I am glad to be alive! Cheers!

MM Update

Okay, I know this is quite late for a new year update. On the other hand, each day is a new lease of life worth celebrating - it just happens that yours truly did not know what to say. Before today.

Well, you know that I got back home from my Philippine trip not quite refreshed, to put it nicely. All my cbc, wbc, platelet, neutrophils, etc. were down, so I was taken off meds for a couple of months. January I had a checkup and my oncologist had to change my drug. Started it January 12. So far, so good, less side effects although of course I don't know how much havoc it is causing inside. But still.

The downside is that this in a weekly IV infusion so I have to travel and be absent from work to get it. But after all I have gone through, a weekly trip to Baltimore is actually a great way to get out and update my medical knowledge!

Am hanging in there! As my friend who was born and raised in the heart of Cebu puts it, "Payts lang gyud bai!" (Keep fighting!)

Whatever your challenges are, let me say this to you, "Payts lang gyud bai!"