Monday, December 31, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Journal Entry, September 28, 2012
Saved by a Song
The past months had been difficult for me: pneumonia of unknown origin. This did not respond to the usual pneumonia medications. My primary physician was at a loss – finally my oncologist decided to admit me to the hospital for a thorough work-up. I had bronchoscopy, blood cultures, CT scan of the chest but all results came back negative. They thought it could be PCP (pneumocystis carinii pneumonia) an opportunistic pneumonia from a fungus – comes only when one’s immune system is severely depressed, as in AIDS patients. Oooops, am I that immunodeficient?
Well, on the clinical front, I am functioning, although under the weather most of the time. I still kept my half-time floating work – the job is not stressful at all and I can take rests in between if I need to.
Yet, being feverish all the time, cough, having to drink lots of fluids and the resulting frequent trips to the bathroom, loss of appetite, loss of smell and taste – these things have gone on for so long it got through my wall of defense. There were times I felt like giving up. You know what lifted me up during those days? Songs from the radio. They keep telling me
“Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining”
(excerpt from “What Faith Can Do” by Kutless)
Or this:
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if the trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?”
(from “Blessings” by Laura Story)
Lord, please forgive me for even thinking of giving up. Please help me to be brave and to trust You completely, believing that these things You have allowed me to experience is to polish me for Your kingdom – that You still see something good in me. Please help me to fulfill this purpose. And please help me to be gentle, kind, uncomplaining, unflinching is this storm. Just hold my hand, Father, through this difficult time.
The past months had been difficult for me: pneumonia of unknown origin. This did not respond to the usual pneumonia medications. My primary physician was at a loss – finally my oncologist decided to admit me to the hospital for a thorough work-up. I had bronchoscopy, blood cultures, CT scan of the chest but all results came back negative. They thought it could be PCP (pneumocystis carinii pneumonia) an opportunistic pneumonia from a fungus – comes only when one’s immune system is severely depressed, as in AIDS patients. Oooops, am I that immunodeficient?
Well, on the clinical front, I am functioning, although under the weather most of the time. I still kept my half-time floating work – the job is not stressful at all and I can take rests in between if I need to.
Yet, being feverish all the time, cough, having to drink lots of fluids and the resulting frequent trips to the bathroom, loss of appetite, loss of smell and taste – these things have gone on for so long it got through my wall of defense. There were times I felt like giving up. You know what lifted me up during those days? Songs from the radio. They keep telling me
“Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining”
(excerpt from “What Faith Can Do” by Kutless)
Or this:
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if the trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?”
(from “Blessings” by Laura Story)
Lord, please forgive me for even thinking of giving up. Please help me to be brave and to trust You completely, believing that these things You have allowed me to experience is to polish me for Your kingdom – that You still see something good in me. Please help me to fulfill this purpose. And please help me to be gentle, kind, uncomplaining, unflinching is this storm. Just hold my hand, Father, through this difficult time.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Capturing Life's Best Moments
Life’s best moments, they say, is not the past – when the children were cute, innocent, and did not talk back. Nor life’s best moment is the future that you constantly dream about: a week vacation in the Bahamas, no cooking, no dishes, just reading a good book under the palm tree on a white sand beach, savoring the cool breeze and getting hypnotized by the gentle lapping of the waves on the seashore. Nor it is the fun time with family in a happy reunion. Life’s best moment, they say, is here and now.
Whoa! Wait a minute. Is there really something worth capturing in my boring life right now? Wake up, roll off the bed, bathroom, eat, some internet, light chores– what's exciting about it? It is just plain boring routine.
Maybe I should try a little harder?
So, here I am, taking a walk in our little neighborhood, looking closely at what might qualify as my “best moment.” I admit, these could be my best moments:
1) The fact that I am out here able to walk and feel the breeze and the sunshine. I was unable to do this for more than a month due to pneumonia.
2) Just getting out of fever and cough and feeling some energy. Many people never got back on their feet again.
3) Butterflies flitting around and sucking nectars from my neighbors’ bright colored flowers. Their message to me is always “never lose hope.”
4) White, fluffy clouds floating against a blue, blue sky. And eyesight to enjoy them. Funny how seldom I enjoy this gift.
Okay, I get it. Life's best moment, it seems to me, is the gift of the present. Not the past, not the future; not the dream, but the reality of here and now, humbly accepted with joy and delight. It is living in the moment, living earnestly, putting a stop to the shallowness and triviality in which we approach most of life. It is in slowing down and realizing that every breath is a gift from God to be lived in its fullest.
And that gives way to a confidence that the next day will be way better, more exciting than this one. That, to me, my friend, is worth capturing.
Whoa! Wait a minute. Is there really something worth capturing in my boring life right now? Wake up, roll off the bed, bathroom, eat, some internet, light chores– what's exciting about it? It is just plain boring routine.
Maybe I should try a little harder?
So, here I am, taking a walk in our little neighborhood, looking closely at what might qualify as my “best moment.” I admit, these could be my best moments:
1) The fact that I am out here able to walk and feel the breeze and the sunshine. I was unable to do this for more than a month due to pneumonia.
2) Just getting out of fever and cough and feeling some energy. Many people never got back on their feet again.
3) Butterflies flitting around and sucking nectars from my neighbors’ bright colored flowers. Their message to me is always “never lose hope.”
4) White, fluffy clouds floating against a blue, blue sky. And eyesight to enjoy them. Funny how seldom I enjoy this gift.
Okay, I get it. Life's best moment, it seems to me, is the gift of the present. Not the past, not the future; not the dream, but the reality of here and now, humbly accepted with joy and delight. It is living in the moment, living earnestly, putting a stop to the shallowness and triviality in which we approach most of life. It is in slowing down and realizing that every breath is a gift from God to be lived in its fullest.
And that gives way to a confidence that the next day will be way better, more exciting than this one. That, to me, my friend, is worth capturing.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Living in the Slow Lane
The Slow Lane: That’s the lane I seldom take. That just shows my fast-lane mind set, most likely affected by our fast lifestyle in this part of the world. Oh, and it is not just here in the United States. When we were living in Singapore between 1988 to 1997, I did feel a difference in the speed of life: the moment I set foot in our home in Singapore after a month’s vacation in the Philippines, I felt the urgency of getting things done fast: let’s hurry to cook, so that we can eat, and hurry to sleep so that we can hurry the next morning for work, school, and other things. When we moved here in Maryland, it has gotten worse. Multitasking is the rule of life: eating while driving, cooking while cleaning, … you can say I am badly infected.
Well, I happened upon “The Power of Less,” an audio book by Leo Babauta, a self-proclaimed minimalist, and I got interested. His recommendations are antidotes for the possession-obsessed, fast-food-crazed, multi-tasking internet generation. They hit a chord in me, and it seems that many of us are seeking to put a stop to this crazy lifestyle that is bringing us to our early disability, or death. So, here is my take on what I have learned, trying to simplify my life, and my results so far.
Babauta proposes that in order for us to simplify, we have to decide what our goals are, decide what are essential in order to reach that goal, and then eliminate the rest of activities, commitments, and things that do not contribute to those goals. And he is big on slowing down and decluttering.
So I started with slowing down. And single tasking. One area I really have to work on is to give myself enough time for appointments. One day I was running late, but had to go to the bathroom. I hit my elbow on the wall. Ouch! After I washed my hands, I picked up my cane which fell on the floor, and when I stood up, I hit my head on the counter. Aray! One day I rushed to a meeting, late, sat on the only empty chair in front of the room, asked questions, only to find out later that I wore my vest inside out! I can tell you many more incidents, but I am sure you have yours too, which are not much different from mine, some funny, some close calls, others downright dangerous for ourselves and others.
My husband told me he is worried that I might fall off the stairs at home. But it is not the limping that falls down the stairs, the one who is in a huge hurry does. Whenever I find myself in rush mode, I take a deep breath and slow down. What is really important? One day I was telling a friend of our traffic misery – ticketed for overspeeding. She was in a gray mood herself: on her way back from Pennsylvania she was ticketed twice. Our impatience will not only unnecessarily waste our money, but would also bring us accidents if not checked in time.
And I realize that slowing down is what God wants of us too. He wants us to be more aware of the world around us, to enjoy his gifts daily. The sun, the breeze, the clouds, the sky, rain, snow, flowers, birds – the list is endless, actually. Would it not please God when we enjoy his gifts more? Add to that the fact that when we are not in a hurry we are able to take a good look at our neighbors and listen to them more, paying attention to what they might have in their hearts. It is in the sound of their voices, in their eyes, in the body language. Perhaps we will be able to lift them up a bit better when we really slow down and listen.
These days I try to watch the sunrise, look closely at how our world looks early in the day. When my husband talks to me, I try to stop and look at him, and ask questions, trying to get the feeling behind his words. I stop by my coworker’s cubicle and ask her about her day, look at her eyes and listen, squashing down thoughts that I should get to my job quickly. I eat slowly and savor my food more, check facebook and e-mails twice a day and not more than 30 minutes each time.I am not there yet, I still have a long way to go, but I find myself more content, happier even. My circumstances remain the same: multiple myeloma, there are even suspicious baby myeloma growing in my spine, and both upper arms (calling them “baby” is less fearsome), and who knows where else or if they have grown to be preschoolers or teen-agers now. My weekly treatments is depressing my immune system: fatigue, I easily catch colds, even my fingernails are dull. But I am more consistent with my schedule, enjoying most of my days because I am able to put in time for the most important tasks, and have some time to do the things I love. I have decluttered my living room and a few drawers, and I smile now when I look at my bed, dresser and tables. I’ll say that’s a big improvement!
So I will keep this up, and sharpen myself in other areas as well. In the end, what really matters is that I look forward to each day with joy and not dread. And whatever the next day brings, whether it be death or life, I can say that I have lived my life. And hope to say that it had been a life of blessing.
Well, I happened upon “The Power of Less,” an audio book by Leo Babauta, a self-proclaimed minimalist, and I got interested. His recommendations are antidotes for the possession-obsessed, fast-food-crazed, multi-tasking internet generation. They hit a chord in me, and it seems that many of us are seeking to put a stop to this crazy lifestyle that is bringing us to our early disability, or death. So, here is my take on what I have learned, trying to simplify my life, and my results so far.
Babauta proposes that in order for us to simplify, we have to decide what our goals are, decide what are essential in order to reach that goal, and then eliminate the rest of activities, commitments, and things that do not contribute to those goals. And he is big on slowing down and decluttering.
So I started with slowing down. And single tasking. One area I really have to work on is to give myself enough time for appointments. One day I was running late, but had to go to the bathroom. I hit my elbow on the wall. Ouch! After I washed my hands, I picked up my cane which fell on the floor, and when I stood up, I hit my head on the counter. Aray! One day I rushed to a meeting, late, sat on the only empty chair in front of the room, asked questions, only to find out later that I wore my vest inside out! I can tell you many more incidents, but I am sure you have yours too, which are not much different from mine, some funny, some close calls, others downright dangerous for ourselves and others.
And I realize that slowing down is what God wants of us too. He wants us to be more aware of the world around us, to enjoy his gifts daily. The sun, the breeze, the clouds, the sky, rain, snow, flowers, birds – the list is endless, actually. Would it not please God when we enjoy his gifts more? Add to that the fact that when we are not in a hurry we are able to take a good look at our neighbors and listen to them more, paying attention to what they might have in their hearts. It is in the sound of their voices, in their eyes, in the body language. Perhaps we will be able to lift them up a bit better when we really slow down and listen.
These days I try to watch the sunrise, look closely at how our world looks early in the day. When my husband talks to me, I try to stop and look at him, and ask questions, trying to get the feeling behind his words. I stop by my coworker’s cubicle and ask her about her day, look at her eyes and listen, squashing down thoughts that I should get to my job quickly. I eat slowly and savor my food more, check facebook and e-mails twice a day and not more than 30 minutes each time.I am not there yet, I still have a long way to go, but I find myself more content, happier even. My circumstances remain the same: multiple myeloma, there are even suspicious baby myeloma growing in my spine, and both upper arms (calling them “baby” is less fearsome), and who knows where else or if they have grown to be preschoolers or teen-agers now. My weekly treatments is depressing my immune system: fatigue, I easily catch colds, even my fingernails are dull. But I am more consistent with my schedule, enjoying most of my days because I am able to put in time for the most important tasks, and have some time to do the things I love. I have decluttered my living room and a few drawers, and I smile now when I look at my bed, dresser and tables. I’ll say that’s a big improvement!
So I will keep this up, and sharpen myself in other areas as well. In the end, what really matters is that I look forward to each day with joy and not dread. And whatever the next day brings, whether it be death or life, I can say that I have lived my life. And hope to say that it had been a life of blessing.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
If money were not a problem...
I have been in rapids these past few months, was thrown overboard, sank low and had a hard time getting back to the surface. But now, I have pulled myself out of the water and awaiting my next ride.
One day I heard a segment over the radio, where the DJs ask the question “If money were not an issue…” and then the listeners call in and give their thoughts. Why, this is fun, I thought, way more interesting than thinking of multiple myeloma, medications, and their side effects!
So, to distract myself, I started to think of what I would do if I have tons of money. My answers were just my own, of course, but still they did not come easy. For the life of me, I just have 2 or 3 things on my mind for the next couple of days! And of course, there is the issue of priority, and it is hard to just dream when you have been immersed in reality for the longest time.
I know that as we grow older, our dreams will also change.
So, here goes: “If money were no object I would…”
......Donate more to more charities.
......Clean up Manila Bay.
......Develop a nature park in my hometown. We do not have one, and the municipal government built a gymnasium on the little plaza that we had.
......Set up a loan agency where students can get a loan at very little interest to finance their education.
......Own a beach house, or better yet, a beach resort where all my relatives can all fit when we come together.
......Own a house in the places we had lived: Bacolod City, Cebu City, Singapore, Manila, Romblon, and in Palawan for good measure.
......Finish my mother’s house. And increase the lot area to at least 1,000 square meters. How? I don’t know, but this is why dreams are great!
......Buy my 92 year-old mother a decent car, get her a driver and an alalay (assistant, maid) so she can go whenever and wherever she wants to go. I have a feeling this will not work that well, she had fired several maids already, claiming that they go gallivanting right after the lunch dishes are done, and that they are such a waste of money. But still, this is a dream.
......Build a native-inspired house made of Filipino indigenous materials designed by architect Francisco Manosa.
......Surprise each relative by fulfilling their fondest wishes. Want to ride an airplane? Done. Want to see Boracay? Done. Holy Land? A small farm? A jeepney? Done, done done.. Simple folks are delighted with simple pleasures. How fun it would be for me!
......See my hairdresser once a week, and have her dye my hair for me. I am actually overjoyed with this dream – dyeing my hair is a such a painful chore.
......Have someone clean my house for me once a week.
......Mani/pedi/spa regularly. I feel rich already!
......Wait, what about world travel? Maybe, but right now it does not sound as enjoyable as fulfilling someone’s fondest wish.
John Barrymore
One day I heard a segment over the radio, where the DJs ask the question “If money were not an issue…” and then the listeners call in and give their thoughts. Why, this is fun, I thought, way more interesting than thinking of multiple myeloma, medications, and their side effects!
So, to distract myself, I started to think of what I would do if I have tons of money. My answers were just my own, of course, but still they did not come easy. For the life of me, I just have 2 or 3 things on my mind for the next couple of days! And of course, there is the issue of priority, and it is hard to just dream when you have been immersed in reality for the longest time.
I know that as we grow older, our dreams will also change.
So, here goes: “If money were no object I would…”
......Donate more to more charities.
......Clean up Manila Bay.
......Develop a nature park in my hometown. We do not have one, and the municipal government built a gymnasium on the little plaza that we had.
......Set up a loan agency where students can get a loan at very little interest to finance their education.
......Own a beach house, or better yet, a beach resort where all my relatives can all fit when we come together.
......Finish my mother’s house. And increase the lot area to at least 1,000 square meters. How? I don’t know, but this is why dreams are great!
......Buy my 92 year-old mother a decent car, get her a driver and an alalay (assistant, maid) so she can go whenever and wherever she wants to go. I have a feeling this will not work that well, she had fired several maids already, claiming that they go gallivanting right after the lunch dishes are done, and that they are such a waste of money. But still, this is a dream.
......Build a native-inspired house made of Filipino indigenous materials designed by architect Francisco Manosa.
......Surprise each relative by fulfilling their fondest wishes. Want to ride an airplane? Done. Want to see Boracay? Done. Holy Land? A small farm? A jeepney? Done, done done.. Simple folks are delighted with simple pleasures. How fun it would be for me!
......Have someone clean my house for me once a week.
......Mani/pedi/spa regularly. I feel rich already!
......Wait, what about world travel? Maybe, but right now it does not sound as enjoyable as fulfilling someone’s fondest wish.
If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.Henry David Thoreau
A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.
John Barrymore
Friday, June 8, 2012
Mountains and Callouses
"Just what kind of people you think we would be if we never have trouble? For we build muscles in heart and body when we lift heavy loads. Tough times make calluses that someday save our hands from bleeding." Robert Schuller.
!
"If the mountain was smooth, you could not climb it." Wintley Phipps, quoting an 'old lady down south years ago.'
I'm back! Happy New Year, to all procrastinators there like me. The past six months had been a roller coaster ride, runs and rapids alternating at such speed that it was difficult to collect, let alone write, my thoughts. And I do not want to write depressing thoughts here - no way! Oh, it is good to be back. Here's hoping that life has been exciting for you this past six months! A toast to an adventure-filled remaining six months of 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Gift-giving Challenge
"Surprise me!" Our twenty something son challenged me one morning this December. He was referring to the annual gift-giving we do each Christmas morning. He does not like the commercialism that has seeped into the Christmas season, and probably does not like the fact that he will again receive socks, boxers, shirts, ties - just like he did the year before, and the year before that, and... You get the picture.
I had suggested posting our wish list on the refrigerator door this year. I had my list ready: rhoomba, the I-robot who can do the vacuuming for me is number one on my list, next is the sewing machine, and there are more. If they miss one on my list, I should give them other options. But, well, I concede, financially it is quite difficult for us this year, so maybe I should not put my list up.
So, that morning, I coolly (I hope) responded, "Challenge accepted!" Our daughter liked the idea, and my husband kind of agreed to it.
The past three weeks, I had been on the lookout for gifts that would happily surprise my family. I quickly found one for my hubby, and it is not difficult to decide for my daughter who is struggling to pay for her school and living expenses in Nebraska. But it is something else for my idealistic son.
I checked the internet, asked friends for suggestions, decided on one thing today but did not like it the following day. In the end, I have bought and returned a couple of items I got online, and will have to return one more item tomorrow.
Yesterday morning we opened our gifts. It was fun to see their faces light up at each gifts are handed and opened. It was also refreshing to see how creative we can become when we put lots of thought, love and affection in the gifts we give. Our daughter got us all warm woolen hats, same style, different colors; she made us treasure hunt for our gifts. Yes, I remember, she was always that creative. Our son did not have anything wrapped, but promised to give us what I had been asking for all along: a recording of his violin music accompanied by his sister on the piano, and also a few of his guitar and vocal selections.
I gave our son a vintage Led Zeppelin t-shirt. He liked it, and said he was surprised that I can get that for him, that I even know what he likes.
In the process, I learned to look deeper into my family's personalities, and I appreciate them more. And, that Led Zeppelin is not a person but a band!
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