If money were not a problem...

I have been in rapids these past few months, was thrown overboard, sank low and had a hard time getting back to the surface. But now, I have pulled myself out of the water and awaiting my next ride.

One day I heard a segment over the radio, where the DJs ask the question “If money were not an issue…” and then the listeners call in and give their thoughts. Why, this is fun, I thought, way more interesting than thinking of multiple myeloma, medications, and their side effects!

So, to distract myself, I started to think of what I would do if I have tons of money. My answers were just my own, of course, but still they did not come easy. For the life of me, I just have 2 or 3 things on my mind for the next couple of days! And of course, there is the issue of priority, and it is hard to just dream when you have been immersed in reality for the longest time.

I know that as we grow older, our dreams will also change.

So, here goes: “If money were no object I would…”

......Donate more to more charities.

......Clean up Manila Bay.

......Develop a nature park in my hometown. We do not have one, and the municipal government built a gymnasium on the little plaza that we had.

......Set up a loan agency where students can get a loan at very little interest to finance their education.

......Own a beach house, or better yet, a beach resort where all my relatives can all fit when we come together.

......Own a house in the places we had lived: Bacolod City, Cebu City, Singapore, Manila, Romblon, and in Palawan for good measure.

......Finish my mother’s house. And increase the lot area to at least 1,000 square meters. How? I don’t know, but this is why dreams are great!

......Buy my 92 year-old mother a decent car, get her a driver and an alalay (assistant, maid) so she can go whenever and wherever she wants to go. I have a feeling this will not work that well, she had fired several maids already, claiming that they go gallivanting right after the lunch dishes are done, and that they are such a waste of money. But still, this is a dream.

......Build a native-inspired house made of Filipino indigenous materials designed by architect Francisco Manosa.

......Surprise each relative by fulfilling their fondest wishes. Want to ride an airplane? Done. Want to see Boracay? Done. Holy Land? A small farm? A jeepney? Done, done done.. Simple folks are delighted with simple pleasures. How fun it would be for me!

......See my hairdresser once a week, and have her dye my hair for me. I am actually overjoyed with this dream – dyeing my hair is a such a painful chore.

......Have someone clean my house for me once a week.

......Mani/pedi/spa regularly. I feel rich already!

......Wait, what about world travel? Maybe, but right now it does not sound as enjoyable as fulfilling someone’s fondest wish.

If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.

Henry David Thoreau

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.
John Barrymore

Mountains and Callouses

"Just what kind of people you think we would be if we never have trouble? For we build muscles in heart and body when we lift heavy loads. Tough times make calluses that someday save our hands from bleeding." Robert Schuller. ! "If the mountain was smooth, you could not climb it." Wintley Phipps, quoting an 'old lady down south years ago.' I'm back! Happy New Year, to all procrastinators there like me. The past six months had been a roller coaster ride, runs and rapids alternating at such speed that it was difficult to collect, let alone write, my thoughts. And I do not want to write depressing thoughts here - no way! Oh, it is good to be back. Here's hoping that life has been exciting for you this past six months! A toast to an adventure-filled remaining six months of 2012

Gift-giving Challenge

"Surprise me!" Our twenty something son challenged me one morning this December. He was referring to the annual gift-giving we do each Christmas morning. He does not like the commercialism that has seeped into the Christmas season, and probably does not like the fact that he will again receive socks, boxers, shirts, ties - just like he did the year before, and the year before that, and... You get the picture.

I had suggested posting our wish list on the refrigerator door this year. I had my list ready: rhoomba, the I-robot who can do the vacuuming for me is number one on my list, next is the sewing machine, and there are more. If they miss one on my list, I should give them other options. But, well, I concede, financially it is quite difficult for us this year, so maybe I should not put my list up.

So, that morning, I coolly (I hope) responded, "Challenge accepted!" Our daughter liked the idea, and my husband kind of agreed to it.

The past three weeks, I had been on the lookout for gifts that would happily surprise my family. I quickly found one for my hubby, and it is not difficult to decide for my daughter who is struggling to pay for her school and living expenses in Nebraska. But it is something else for my idealistic son.

I checked the internet, asked friends for suggestions, decided on one thing today but did not like it the following day. In the end, I have bought and returned a couple of items I got online, and will have to return one more item tomorrow.

Yesterday morning we opened our gifts. It was fun to see their faces light up at each gifts are handed and opened. It was also refreshing to see how creative we can become when we put lots of thought, love and affection in the gifts we give. Our daughter got us all warm woolen hats, same style, different colors; she made us treasure hunt for our gifts. Yes, I remember, she was always that creative. Our son did not have anything wrapped, but promised to give us what I had been asking for all along: a recording of his violin music accompanied by his sister on the piano, and also a few of his guitar and vocal selections.

I gave our son a vintage Led Zeppelin t-shirt. He liked it, and said he was surprised that I can get that for him, that I even know what he likes.

In the process, I learned to look deeper into my family's personalities, and I appreciate them more. And, that Led Zeppelin is not a person but a band!

O Beauty, Where Art Thou?

"You know, research say that eating raw food is good for your immune system." I said and my sister as I gather the plates after lunch one day.

"Hmmmn," she replied. Not much response there.

"But after eating lots of salads for three months, not only did I lose weight, I noticed that my facial skin did not sag as much, and was even smoother," I continued.

"Really? Tell me more. How did you do it? How much raw food did you eat each day?" Now I have her attention.

I do not really fully comprehend how women are wired. But I know that a woman will perk up her ears, raise all her antennas, and turn them toward....any tip on how to keep herself beautiful. Especially if it is free!

I guess it is because women are made to keep things beautiful: herself, her surroundings, her home, her life. It had been like this since time began. Eve was the more graceful, softer, gentler version of Adam. Sarah had a beautiful,colorful tent near the trees of Mamre. When asked about how women in India keep herself beautiful, an acquaintance told me, " They would put a flower in their hair no matter how hard a life they are living."

And we don't need to look far - just see all the advertisement in the television, in your computer, in the newspapers, radio - everywhere. There is big money in enticing women to look their most beautiful selves. Posture, hair, skin, muscles in the right places, clothes, manner of speaking, grace, color, and the list goes on. You've heard this before: an average man has six things in the bathroom, while a woman has 360!

Today, though, I found this precious tip towards refinement and beauty - for you and me - free. Read on!

"True refinement will never be revealed so long as self is considered the supreme object. Love must dwell in the heart. A thoroughgoing Christian draws his motives of actions from his deep heart love for his Master. Up through the roots of his affection for Christ springs an unselfish interest in his brethren. Love imparts to its possessors grace, propriety, and comeliness of deportment. It illuminates the countenance and subdues the voice; it refines and elevates the whole being."White, EG, Ministry of Healing, p490.

Ah, so that's what it is. If we can only package LOVE and sell it as a lotion, cream, spray, or even a pill! Alas, that is the catch - it is free, available for everyone, but it is not cheap. It requires more than just money - it needs giving up of self for something more precious.

Disappointed Hopes 2

Yesterday I saw the Nurse Practitioner assigned to me. She liaise between me and my oncologist when the latter is busy or out of town.

K, the nurse, told me that my kappa-lambda ratio, my cancer count, is not budging. It has not gone up, but it has not gone down either. Therefore I cannot have the stem cell transplant as planned, and my weekly chemo dose will be increased, my guess will be for another couple of months.

I was hoping that the stem cell transplant will help me get off drugs for some time, but it looks like I have to have more of these drugs first. Talk about disappointed hopes!

It is good that I have found this quote a few weeks back:

"God never leads His children otherwise than they would choose to be led, if they could see the end from the beginning and discern the glory of the purpose which they are fulfilling as co-workers with Him." MH 479

And I just have to write this again:

"In the future life the mysteries that here have annoyed and disappointed us will be made plain. We shall see that our seemingly unanswered prayers and disappointed hopes have been among our greatest blessings." MH 475

Trusting that this is my greatest blessing yet!

Jackfruits and Life

Two weeks ago we gathered some pepper leaves from my husband’s little garden, for a Pinoy chicken soup that my sister and I had been salivating about for a couple of days. The pepper plants, three of them, are now bent low, loaded with fruits from bottom to top! It never gave us this much fruit during the warmer, comfortable summer, and now, this, when the weather has started to turn cold, and winter is at the door?

Our agriculturist cousin, she said, told her that this is a common occurrence in plants. They try their best to propagate when they are threatened.

An example, she said, is their jackfruit tree right in front of their house next to the road. One of its main roots was cut when the road was widened, and this tree which had been ordinary (meaning scarce, perhaps?) in its fruit production in the past began to bear more fruit which are sweeter and juicier than its previous fruits.

When I shared this with some friends, they admitted that this is known to farmers. They hack the trunk of the jackfruit in several places, wounding but not killing it, in order to gain a better harvest of fruits.

This is so new to me, and it amazes me that plants and people are not so different at all. As soon as we realize that our mortality is real, and that our lives will end sooner than we think, we shape up. We clear those closets, pay those bills, call often those people we care about, leave letters, give instructions, make memories. We evaluate our values, we change our priorities. A quick course correction is done, and by and large, towards a more meaningful life.

At least, that’s what happened to me when I got the big, scary C diagnosis. I asked myself what has my life like in the past years? If I died on that day, will someone even miss me after a year has passed? Will remembering me bring a happy thought to somebody? Sadly, I admitted that my life had been mostly thinking and caring for myself - far different from person I thought, and hoped, I was.

So, multiple myeloma, and probably growing older did me good. As one cancer patient said, life after cancer is like “The Wizard of Oz” scene after Dorothy and her dog Toto landed in Munchkinland: the scene turned into full color. What had been a drifting, so-so life in black and white are in full color since then. Every ray of sun seems to bring smiles from the grass and trees and flowers. Rain is now rhythms – songs that only those that are really listening can hear. Snow, gorgeous in itself, is magic. A breeze is a kiss from God. Spring is magnificent, autumn is love!

I look and listen better now, most of the time at least. I try to listen with my heart, and not just with my ears. I see better, too, I think, despite the blur of cataracts in my eyes, because I try to see the good in people and not their shortcomings. I am not there yet, but I am on my way.

Are you in any way feel threatened and fearful? It is time to bear lots and lots of good fruit. It would not hurt if you make them sweet too!

Disappointed Hopes?

The night is mine!

No, I am not out strolling, nor am I in a bar partying with friends or something like that. I am just home, unable to sleep since midnight. My family is sound asleep, and I relish being alone with my thoughts...

I kind of miss this, actually. I had been out of my chemotherapy drugs for about three months, and I was pleased about it: my life was back to normal. Well, new normal for me.

After having been ravaged by multiple myeloma, radiation and chemotherapies of all sorts, I am now 1.5 inches shorter on my right leg; have cataracts on both eyes, had a lens transplant on my left eye; has hearing discrepancy on my left ear; got peripheral neuropathy on both legs and some on my hands. I now have hepatitis b; had been attacked by dengue fever, had two or three attacks of pneumonia, had shingles and had first hand knowledge of what 'writhing in pain' means when I had UTI a couple of years ago. Quite a resume, don't you think?

But yesterday, I had to have that pesky chemotherapy again - Velcade, Cytoxan, Dexamethasone - to bring down my cancer counts so that I can have the stem cell transplant that my oncologist planned for me.

So, here I am, experiencing anew the effects of the drugs: my stomach was queasy, was lightheaded for a short while, got very tired early so I slept, only to wake up at midnight, and tossed and turned for two hours. Now, I am just making full use of my sleeplessness. If I'm not mistaken, I will be very energetic tomorrow, but will be out of sorts by Sunday and Monday.

But you know what? There's a good side to this thing: It seems that I am able to draw out my deepest thougths at this time - is it cortisol, or something in the drugs I took? Hmmm... this is worth a study, or perhaps someone had already studied this? Add to that is the fact that I got a relief from this toothache that annoyed me this week, plus my right leg is not much of a bother tonight. I believe these are all from the steroid that caused all the havoc that I enumerated above. Well, short term benefits, versus long term destruction? Can I even vote?

It is a good thing that I have discovered these words a couple of weeks ago:

"... Even when called upon to surrender those things which in themselves are good, we may be sure that God is thus working out but for us some higher good."

"In the future life the mysteries that here have annoyed and disappointed us will be made plain. We shall see that our seemingly unanswered prayers and disappointed hopes have been among our greatest blessings." MH 475

With an assurance like this, who can not rejoice in this 'new normal'? I don't know about you, but I will bask in my greatest blessings today, and every day afterwards.