Monday, December 31, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Journal Entry, September 28, 2012
Saved by a Song
The past months had been difficult for me: pneumonia of unknown origin. This did not respond to the usual pneumonia medications. My primary physician was at a loss – finally my oncologist decided to admit me to the hospital for a thorough work-up. I had bronchoscopy, blood cultures, CT scan of the chest but all results came back negative. They thought it could be PCP (pneumocystis carinii pneumonia) an opportunistic pneumonia from a fungus – comes only when one’s immune system is severely depressed, as in AIDS patients. Oooops, am I that immunodeficient?
Well, on the clinical front, I am functioning, although under the weather most of the time. I still kept my half-time floating work – the job is not stressful at all and I can take rests in between if I need to.
Yet, being feverish all the time, cough, having to drink lots of fluids and the resulting frequent trips to the bathroom, loss of appetite, loss of smell and taste – these things have gone on for so long it got through my wall of defense. There were times I felt like giving up. You know what lifted me up during those days? Songs from the radio. They keep telling me
“Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining”
(excerpt from “What Faith Can Do” by Kutless)
Or this:
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if the trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?”
(from “Blessings” by Laura Story)
Lord, please forgive me for even thinking of giving up. Please help me to be brave and to trust You completely, believing that these things You have allowed me to experience is to polish me for Your kingdom – that You still see something good in me. Please help me to fulfill this purpose. And please help me to be gentle, kind, uncomplaining, unflinching is this storm. Just hold my hand, Father, through this difficult time.
The past months had been difficult for me: pneumonia of unknown origin. This did not respond to the usual pneumonia medications. My primary physician was at a loss – finally my oncologist decided to admit me to the hospital for a thorough work-up. I had bronchoscopy, blood cultures, CT scan of the chest but all results came back negative. They thought it could be PCP (pneumocystis carinii pneumonia) an opportunistic pneumonia from a fungus – comes only when one’s immune system is severely depressed, as in AIDS patients. Oooops, am I that immunodeficient?
Well, on the clinical front, I am functioning, although under the weather most of the time. I still kept my half-time floating work – the job is not stressful at all and I can take rests in between if I need to.
Yet, being feverish all the time, cough, having to drink lots of fluids and the resulting frequent trips to the bathroom, loss of appetite, loss of smell and taste – these things have gone on for so long it got through my wall of defense. There were times I felt like giving up. You know what lifted me up during those days? Songs from the radio. They keep telling me
“Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining”
(excerpt from “What Faith Can Do” by Kutless)
Or this:
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if the trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?”
(from “Blessings” by Laura Story)
Lord, please forgive me for even thinking of giving up. Please help me to be brave and to trust You completely, believing that these things You have allowed me to experience is to polish me for Your kingdom – that You still see something good in me. Please help me to fulfill this purpose. And please help me to be gentle, kind, uncomplaining, unflinching is this storm. Just hold my hand, Father, through this difficult time.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Capturing Life's Best Moments
Life’s best moments, they say, is not the past – when the children were cute, innocent, and did not talk back. Nor life’s best moment is the future that you constantly dream about: a week vacation in the Bahamas, no cooking, no dishes, just reading a good book under the palm tree on a white sand beach, savoring the cool breeze and getting hypnotized by the gentle lapping of the waves on the seashore. Nor it is the fun time with family in a happy reunion. Life’s best moment, they say, is here and now.
Whoa! Wait a minute. Is there really something worth capturing in my boring life right now? Wake up, roll off the bed, bathroom, eat, some internet, light chores– what's exciting about it? It is just plain boring routine.
Maybe I should try a little harder?
So, here I am, taking a walk in our little neighborhood, looking closely at what might qualify as my “best moment.” I admit, these could be my best moments:
1) The fact that I am out here able to walk and feel the breeze and the sunshine. I was unable to do this for more than a month due to pneumonia.
2) Just getting out of fever and cough and feeling some energy. Many people never got back on their feet again.
3) Butterflies flitting around and sucking nectars from my neighbors’ bright colored flowers. Their message to me is always “never lose hope.”
4) White, fluffy clouds floating against a blue, blue sky. And eyesight to enjoy them. Funny how seldom I enjoy this gift.
Okay, I get it. Life's best moment, it seems to me, is the gift of the present. Not the past, not the future; not the dream, but the reality of here and now, humbly accepted with joy and delight. It is living in the moment, living earnestly, putting a stop to the shallowness and triviality in which we approach most of life. It is in slowing down and realizing that every breath is a gift from God to be lived in its fullest.
And that gives way to a confidence that the next day will be way better, more exciting than this one. That, to me, my friend, is worth capturing.
Whoa! Wait a minute. Is there really something worth capturing in my boring life right now? Wake up, roll off the bed, bathroom, eat, some internet, light chores– what's exciting about it? It is just plain boring routine.
Maybe I should try a little harder?
So, here I am, taking a walk in our little neighborhood, looking closely at what might qualify as my “best moment.” I admit, these could be my best moments:
1) The fact that I am out here able to walk and feel the breeze and the sunshine. I was unable to do this for more than a month due to pneumonia.
2) Just getting out of fever and cough and feeling some energy. Many people never got back on their feet again.
3) Butterflies flitting around and sucking nectars from my neighbors’ bright colored flowers. Their message to me is always “never lose hope.”
4) White, fluffy clouds floating against a blue, blue sky. And eyesight to enjoy them. Funny how seldom I enjoy this gift.
Okay, I get it. Life's best moment, it seems to me, is the gift of the present. Not the past, not the future; not the dream, but the reality of here and now, humbly accepted with joy and delight. It is living in the moment, living earnestly, putting a stop to the shallowness and triviality in which we approach most of life. It is in slowing down and realizing that every breath is a gift from God to be lived in its fullest.
And that gives way to a confidence that the next day will be way better, more exciting than this one. That, to me, my friend, is worth capturing.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Living in the Slow Lane
The Slow Lane: That’s the lane I seldom take. That just shows my fast-lane mind set, most likely affected by our fast lifestyle in this part of the world. Oh, and it is not just here in the United States. When we were living in Singapore between 1988 to 1997, I did feel a difference in the speed of life: the moment I set foot in our home in Singapore after a month’s vacation in the Philippines, I felt the urgency of getting things done fast: let’s hurry to cook, so that we can eat, and hurry to sleep so that we can hurry the next morning for work, school, and other things. When we moved here in Maryland, it has gotten worse. Multitasking is the rule of life: eating while driving, cooking while cleaning, … you can say I am badly infected.
Well, I happened upon “The Power of Less,” an audio book by Leo Babauta, a self-proclaimed minimalist, and I got interested. His recommendations are antidotes for the possession-obsessed, fast-food-crazed, multi-tasking internet generation. They hit a chord in me, and it seems that many of us are seeking to put a stop to this crazy lifestyle that is bringing us to our early disability, or death. So, here is my take on what I have learned, trying to simplify my life, and my results so far.
Babauta proposes that in order for us to simplify, we have to decide what our goals are, decide what are essential in order to reach that goal, and then eliminate the rest of activities, commitments, and things that do not contribute to those goals. And he is big on slowing down and decluttering.
So I started with slowing down. And single tasking. One area I really have to work on is to give myself enough time for appointments. One day I was running late, but had to go to the bathroom. I hit my elbow on the wall. Ouch! After I washed my hands, I picked up my cane which fell on the floor, and when I stood up, I hit my head on the counter. Aray! One day I rushed to a meeting, late, sat on the only empty chair in front of the room, asked questions, only to find out later that I wore my vest inside out! I can tell you many more incidents, but I am sure you have yours too, which are not much different from mine, some funny, some close calls, others downright dangerous for ourselves and others.
My husband told me he is worried that I might fall off the stairs at home. But it is not the limping that falls down the stairs, the one who is in a huge hurry does. Whenever I find myself in rush mode, I take a deep breath and slow down. What is really important? One day I was telling a friend of our traffic misery – ticketed for overspeeding. She was in a gray mood herself: on her way back from Pennsylvania she was ticketed twice. Our impatience will not only unnecessarily waste our money, but would also bring us accidents if not checked in time.
And I realize that slowing down is what God wants of us too. He wants us to be more aware of the world around us, to enjoy his gifts daily. The sun, the breeze, the clouds, the sky, rain, snow, flowers, birds – the list is endless, actually. Would it not please God when we enjoy his gifts more? Add to that the fact that when we are not in a hurry we are able to take a good look at our neighbors and listen to them more, paying attention to what they might have in their hearts. It is in the sound of their voices, in their eyes, in the body language. Perhaps we will be able to lift them up a bit better when we really slow down and listen.
These days I try to watch the sunrise, look closely at how our world looks early in the day. When my husband talks to me, I try to stop and look at him, and ask questions, trying to get the feeling behind his words. I stop by my coworker’s cubicle and ask her about her day, look at her eyes and listen, squashing down thoughts that I should get to my job quickly. I eat slowly and savor my food more, check facebook and e-mails twice a day and not more than 30 minutes each time.I am not there yet, I still have a long way to go, but I find myself more content, happier even. My circumstances remain the same: multiple myeloma, there are even suspicious baby myeloma growing in my spine, and both upper arms (calling them “baby” is less fearsome), and who knows where else or if they have grown to be preschoolers or teen-agers now. My weekly treatments is depressing my immune system: fatigue, I easily catch colds, even my fingernails are dull. But I am more consistent with my schedule, enjoying most of my days because I am able to put in time for the most important tasks, and have some time to do the things I love. I have decluttered my living room and a few drawers, and I smile now when I look at my bed, dresser and tables. I’ll say that’s a big improvement!
So I will keep this up, and sharpen myself in other areas as well. In the end, what really matters is that I look forward to each day with joy and not dread. And whatever the next day brings, whether it be death or life, I can say that I have lived my life. And hope to say that it had been a life of blessing.
Well, I happened upon “The Power of Less,” an audio book by Leo Babauta, a self-proclaimed minimalist, and I got interested. His recommendations are antidotes for the possession-obsessed, fast-food-crazed, multi-tasking internet generation. They hit a chord in me, and it seems that many of us are seeking to put a stop to this crazy lifestyle that is bringing us to our early disability, or death. So, here is my take on what I have learned, trying to simplify my life, and my results so far.
Babauta proposes that in order for us to simplify, we have to decide what our goals are, decide what are essential in order to reach that goal, and then eliminate the rest of activities, commitments, and things that do not contribute to those goals. And he is big on slowing down and decluttering.
So I started with slowing down. And single tasking. One area I really have to work on is to give myself enough time for appointments. One day I was running late, but had to go to the bathroom. I hit my elbow on the wall. Ouch! After I washed my hands, I picked up my cane which fell on the floor, and when I stood up, I hit my head on the counter. Aray! One day I rushed to a meeting, late, sat on the only empty chair in front of the room, asked questions, only to find out later that I wore my vest inside out! I can tell you many more incidents, but I am sure you have yours too, which are not much different from mine, some funny, some close calls, others downright dangerous for ourselves and others.
And I realize that slowing down is what God wants of us too. He wants us to be more aware of the world around us, to enjoy his gifts daily. The sun, the breeze, the clouds, the sky, rain, snow, flowers, birds – the list is endless, actually. Would it not please God when we enjoy his gifts more? Add to that the fact that when we are not in a hurry we are able to take a good look at our neighbors and listen to them more, paying attention to what they might have in their hearts. It is in the sound of their voices, in their eyes, in the body language. Perhaps we will be able to lift them up a bit better when we really slow down and listen.
These days I try to watch the sunrise, look closely at how our world looks early in the day. When my husband talks to me, I try to stop and look at him, and ask questions, trying to get the feeling behind his words. I stop by my coworker’s cubicle and ask her about her day, look at her eyes and listen, squashing down thoughts that I should get to my job quickly. I eat slowly and savor my food more, check facebook and e-mails twice a day and not more than 30 minutes each time.I am not there yet, I still have a long way to go, but I find myself more content, happier even. My circumstances remain the same: multiple myeloma, there are even suspicious baby myeloma growing in my spine, and both upper arms (calling them “baby” is less fearsome), and who knows where else or if they have grown to be preschoolers or teen-agers now. My weekly treatments is depressing my immune system: fatigue, I easily catch colds, even my fingernails are dull. But I am more consistent with my schedule, enjoying most of my days because I am able to put in time for the most important tasks, and have some time to do the things I love. I have decluttered my living room and a few drawers, and I smile now when I look at my bed, dresser and tables. I’ll say that’s a big improvement!
So I will keep this up, and sharpen myself in other areas as well. In the end, what really matters is that I look forward to each day with joy and not dread. And whatever the next day brings, whether it be death or life, I can say that I have lived my life. And hope to say that it had been a life of blessing.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
If money were not a problem...
I have been in rapids these past few months, was thrown overboard, sank low and had a hard time getting back to the surface. But now, I have pulled myself out of the water and awaiting my next ride.
One day I heard a segment over the radio, where the DJs ask the question “If money were not an issue…” and then the listeners call in and give their thoughts. Why, this is fun, I thought, way more interesting than thinking of multiple myeloma, medications, and their side effects!
So, to distract myself, I started to think of what I would do if I have tons of money. My answers were just my own, of course, but still they did not come easy. For the life of me, I just have 2 or 3 things on my mind for the next couple of days! And of course, there is the issue of priority, and it is hard to just dream when you have been immersed in reality for the longest time.
I know that as we grow older, our dreams will also change.
So, here goes: “If money were no object I would…”
......Donate more to more charities.
......Clean up Manila Bay.
......Develop a nature park in my hometown. We do not have one, and the municipal government built a gymnasium on the little plaza that we had.
......Set up a loan agency where students can get a loan at very little interest to finance their education.
......Own a beach house, or better yet, a beach resort where all my relatives can all fit when we come together.
......Own a house in the places we had lived: Bacolod City, Cebu City, Singapore, Manila, Romblon, and in Palawan for good measure.
......Finish my mother’s house. And increase the lot area to at least 1,000 square meters. How? I don’t know, but this is why dreams are great!
......Buy my 92 year-old mother a decent car, get her a driver and an alalay (assistant, maid) so she can go whenever and wherever she wants to go. I have a feeling this will not work that well, she had fired several maids already, claiming that they go gallivanting right after the lunch dishes are done, and that they are such a waste of money. But still, this is a dream.
......Build a native-inspired house made of Filipino indigenous materials designed by architect Francisco Manosa.
......Surprise each relative by fulfilling their fondest wishes. Want to ride an airplane? Done. Want to see Boracay? Done. Holy Land? A small farm? A jeepney? Done, done done.. Simple folks are delighted with simple pleasures. How fun it would be for me!
......See my hairdresser once a week, and have her dye my hair for me. I am actually overjoyed with this dream – dyeing my hair is a such a painful chore.
......Have someone clean my house for me once a week.
......Mani/pedi/spa regularly. I feel rich already!
......Wait, what about world travel? Maybe, but right now it does not sound as enjoyable as fulfilling someone’s fondest wish.
John Barrymore
One day I heard a segment over the radio, where the DJs ask the question “If money were not an issue…” and then the listeners call in and give their thoughts. Why, this is fun, I thought, way more interesting than thinking of multiple myeloma, medications, and their side effects!
So, to distract myself, I started to think of what I would do if I have tons of money. My answers were just my own, of course, but still they did not come easy. For the life of me, I just have 2 or 3 things on my mind for the next couple of days! And of course, there is the issue of priority, and it is hard to just dream when you have been immersed in reality for the longest time.
I know that as we grow older, our dreams will also change.
So, here goes: “If money were no object I would…”
......Donate more to more charities.
......Clean up Manila Bay.
......Develop a nature park in my hometown. We do not have one, and the municipal government built a gymnasium on the little plaza that we had.
......Set up a loan agency where students can get a loan at very little interest to finance their education.
......Own a beach house, or better yet, a beach resort where all my relatives can all fit when we come together.
......Finish my mother’s house. And increase the lot area to at least 1,000 square meters. How? I don’t know, but this is why dreams are great!
......Buy my 92 year-old mother a decent car, get her a driver and an alalay (assistant, maid) so she can go whenever and wherever she wants to go. I have a feeling this will not work that well, she had fired several maids already, claiming that they go gallivanting right after the lunch dishes are done, and that they are such a waste of money. But still, this is a dream.
......Build a native-inspired house made of Filipino indigenous materials designed by architect Francisco Manosa.
......Surprise each relative by fulfilling their fondest wishes. Want to ride an airplane? Done. Want to see Boracay? Done. Holy Land? A small farm? A jeepney? Done, done done.. Simple folks are delighted with simple pleasures. How fun it would be for me!
......Have someone clean my house for me once a week.
......Mani/pedi/spa regularly. I feel rich already!
......Wait, what about world travel? Maybe, but right now it does not sound as enjoyable as fulfilling someone’s fondest wish.
If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.Henry David Thoreau
A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.
John Barrymore
Friday, June 8, 2012
Mountains and Callouses
"Just what kind of people you think we would be if we never have trouble? For we build muscles in heart and body when we lift heavy loads. Tough times make calluses that someday save our hands from bleeding." Robert Schuller.
!
"If the mountain was smooth, you could not climb it." Wintley Phipps, quoting an 'old lady down south years ago.'
I'm back! Happy New Year, to all procrastinators there like me. The past six months had been a roller coaster ride, runs and rapids alternating at such speed that it was difficult to collect, let alone write, my thoughts. And I do not want to write depressing thoughts here - no way! Oh, it is good to be back. Here's hoping that life has been exciting for you this past six months! A toast to an adventure-filled remaining six months of 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Gift-giving Challenge
"Surprise me!" Our twenty something son challenged me one morning this December. He was referring to the annual gift-giving we do each Christmas morning. He does not like the commercialism that has seeped into the Christmas season, and probably does not like the fact that he will again receive socks, boxers, shirts, ties - just like he did the year before, and the year before that, and... You get the picture.
I had suggested posting our wish list on the refrigerator door this year. I had my list ready: rhoomba, the I-robot who can do the vacuuming for me is number one on my list, next is the sewing machine, and there are more. If they miss one on my list, I should give them other options. But, well, I concede, financially it is quite difficult for us this year, so maybe I should not put my list up.
So, that morning, I coolly (I hope) responded, "Challenge accepted!" Our daughter liked the idea, and my husband kind of agreed to it.
The past three weeks, I had been on the lookout for gifts that would happily surprise my family. I quickly found one for my hubby, and it is not difficult to decide for my daughter who is struggling to pay for her school and living expenses in Nebraska. But it is something else for my idealistic son.
I checked the internet, asked friends for suggestions, decided on one thing today but did not like it the following day. In the end, I have bought and returned a couple of items I got online, and will have to return one more item tomorrow.
Yesterday morning we opened our gifts. It was fun to see their faces light up at each gifts are handed and opened. It was also refreshing to see how creative we can become when we put lots of thought, love and affection in the gifts we give. Our daughter got us all warm woolen hats, same style, different colors; she made us treasure hunt for our gifts. Yes, I remember, she was always that creative. Our son did not have anything wrapped, but promised to give us what I had been asking for all along: a recording of his violin music accompanied by his sister on the piano, and also a few of his guitar and vocal selections.
I gave our son a vintage Led Zeppelin t-shirt. He liked it, and said he was surprised that I can get that for him, that I even know what he likes.
In the process, I learned to look deeper into my family's personalities, and I appreciate them more. And, that Led Zeppelin is not a person but a band!
Friday, December 16, 2011
O Beauty, Where Art Thou?
"You know, research say that eating raw food is good for your immune system." I said and my sister as I gather the plates after lunch one day.
"Hmmmn," she replied. Not much response there.
"But after eating lots of salads for three months, not only did I lose weight, I noticed that my facial skin did not sag as much, and was even smoother," I continued.
"Really? Tell me more. How did you do it? How much raw food did you eat each day?" Now I have her attention.
I do not really fully comprehend how women are wired. But I know that a woman will perk up her ears, raise all her antennas, and turn them toward....any tip on how to keep herself beautiful. Especially if it is free!
I guess it is because women are made to keep things beautiful: herself, her surroundings, her home, her life. It had been like this since time began. Eve was the more graceful, softer, gentler version of Adam. Sarah had a beautiful,colorful tent near the trees of Mamre. When asked about how women in India keep herself beautiful, an acquaintance told me, " They would put a flower in their hair no matter how hard a life they are living."
And we don't need to look far - just see all the advertisement in the television, in your computer, in the newspapers, radio - everywhere. There is big money in enticing women to look their most beautiful selves. Posture, hair, skin, muscles in the right places, clothes, manner of speaking, grace, color, and the list goes on. You've heard this before: an average man has six things in the bathroom, while a woman has 360!
Today, though, I found this precious tip towards refinement and beauty - for you and me - free. Read on!
"True refinement will never be revealed so long as self is considered the supreme object. Love must dwell in the heart. A thoroughgoing Christian draws his motives of actions from his deep heart love for his Master. Up through the roots of his affection for Christ springs an unselfish interest in his brethren. Love imparts to its possessors grace, propriety, and comeliness of deportment. It illuminates the countenance and subdues the voice; it refines and elevates the whole being."White, EG, Ministry of Healing, p490.
Ah, so that's what it is. If we can only package LOVE and sell it as a lotion, cream, spray, or even a pill! Alas, that is the catch - it is free, available for everyone, but it is not cheap. It requires more than just money - it needs giving up of self for something more precious.
"Hmmmn," she replied. Not much response there.
"But after eating lots of salads for three months, not only did I lose weight, I noticed that my facial skin did not sag as much, and was even smoother," I continued.
"Really? Tell me more. How did you do it? How much raw food did you eat each day?" Now I have her attention.
I do not really fully comprehend how women are wired. But I know that a woman will perk up her ears, raise all her antennas, and turn them toward....any tip on how to keep herself beautiful. Especially if it is free!
I guess it is because women are made to keep things beautiful: herself, her surroundings, her home, her life. It had been like this since time began. Eve was the more graceful, softer, gentler version of Adam. Sarah had a beautiful,colorful tent near the trees of Mamre. When asked about how women in India keep herself beautiful, an acquaintance told me, " They would put a flower in their hair no matter how hard a life they are living."
And we don't need to look far - just see all the advertisement in the television, in your computer, in the newspapers, radio - everywhere. There is big money in enticing women to look their most beautiful selves. Posture, hair, skin, muscles in the right places, clothes, manner of speaking, grace, color, and the list goes on. You've heard this before: an average man has six things in the bathroom, while a woman has 360!
Today, though, I found this precious tip towards refinement and beauty - for you and me - free. Read on!
"True refinement will never be revealed so long as self is considered the supreme object. Love must dwell in the heart. A thoroughgoing Christian draws his motives of actions from his deep heart love for his Master. Up through the roots of his affection for Christ springs an unselfish interest in his brethren. Love imparts to its possessors grace, propriety, and comeliness of deportment. It illuminates the countenance and subdues the voice; it refines and elevates the whole being."White, EG, Ministry of Healing, p490.
Ah, so that's what it is. If we can only package LOVE and sell it as a lotion, cream, spray, or even a pill! Alas, that is the catch - it is free, available for everyone, but it is not cheap. It requires more than just money - it needs giving up of self for something more precious.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Disappointed Hopes 2
Yesterday I saw the Nurse Practitioner assigned to me. She liaise between me and my oncologist when the latter is busy or out of town.
K, the nurse, told me that my kappa-lambda ratio, my cancer count, is not budging. It has not gone up, but it has not gone down either. Therefore I cannot have the stem cell transplant as planned, and my weekly chemo dose will be increased, my guess will be for another couple of months.
I was hoping that the stem cell transplant will help me get off drugs for some time, but it looks like I have to have more of these drugs first. Talk about disappointed hopes!
It is good that I have found this quote a few weeks back:
"God never leads His children otherwise than they would choose to be led, if they could see the end from the beginning and discern the glory of the purpose which they are fulfilling as co-workers with Him." MH 479
And I just have to write this again:
"In the future life the mysteries that here have annoyed and disappointed us will be made plain. We shall see that our seemingly unanswered prayers and disappointed hopes have been among our greatest blessings." MH 475
Trusting that this is my greatest blessing yet!
K, the nurse, told me that my kappa-lambda ratio, my cancer count, is not budging. It has not gone up, but it has not gone down either. Therefore I cannot have the stem cell transplant as planned, and my weekly chemo dose will be increased, my guess will be for another couple of months.
I was hoping that the stem cell transplant will help me get off drugs for some time, but it looks like I have to have more of these drugs first. Talk about disappointed hopes!
It is good that I have found this quote a few weeks back:
"God never leads His children otherwise than they would choose to be led, if they could see the end from the beginning and discern the glory of the purpose which they are fulfilling as co-workers with Him." MH 479
And I just have to write this again:
"In the future life the mysteries that here have annoyed and disappointed us will be made plain. We shall see that our seemingly unanswered prayers and disappointed hopes have been among our greatest blessings." MH 475
Trusting that this is my greatest blessing yet!
Friday, November 4, 2011
Jackfruits and Life
Two weeks ago we gathered some pepper leaves from my husband’s little garden, for a Pinoy chicken soup that my sister and I had been salivating about for a couple of days. The pepper plants, three of them, are now bent low, loaded with fruits from bottom to top! It never gave us this much fruit during the warmer, comfortable summer, and now, this, when the weather has started to turn cold, and winter is at the door?
Our agriculturist cousin, she said, told her that this is a common occurrence in plants. They try their best to propagate when they are threatened.
An example, she said, is their jackfruit tree right in front of their house next to the road. One of its main roots was cut when the road was widened, and this tree which had been ordinary (meaning scarce, perhaps?) in its fruit production in the past began to bear more fruit which are sweeter and juicier than its previous fruits.
When I shared this with some friends, they admitted that this is known to farmers. They hack the trunk of the jackfruit in several places, wounding but not killing it, in order to gain a better harvest of fruits.
This is so new to me, and it amazes me that plants and people are not so different at all. As soon as we realize that our mortality is real, and that our lives will end sooner than we think, we shape up. We clear those closets, pay those bills, call often those people we care about, leave letters, give instructions, make memories. We evaluate our values, we change our priorities. A quick course correction is done, and by and large, towards a more meaningful life.
At least, that’s what happened to me when I got the big, scary C diagnosis. I asked myself what has my life like in the past years? If I died on that day, will someone even miss me after a year has passed? Will remembering me bring a happy thought to somebody? Sadly, I admitted that my life had been mostly thinking and caring for myself - far different from person I thought, and hoped, I was.
So, multiple myeloma, and probably growing older did me good. As one cancer patient said, life after cancer is like “The Wizard of Oz” scene after Dorothy and her dog Toto landed in Munchkinland: the scene turned into full color. What had been a drifting, so-so life in black and white are in full color since then. Every ray of sun seems to bring smiles from the grass and trees and flowers. Rain is now rhythms – songs that only those that are really listening can hear. Snow, gorgeous in itself, is magic. A breeze is a kiss from God. Spring is magnificent, autumn is love!
I look and listen better now, most of the time at least. I try to listen with my heart, and not just with my ears. I see better, too, I think, despite the blur of cataracts in my eyes, because I try to see the good in people and not their shortcomings. I am not there yet, but I am on my way.
Are you in any way feel threatened and fearful? It is time to bear lots and lots of good fruit. It would not hurt if you make them sweet too!
Our agriculturist cousin, she said, told her that this is a common occurrence in plants. They try their best to propagate when they are threatened.
An example, she said, is their jackfruit tree right in front of their house next to the road. One of its main roots was cut when the road was widened, and this tree which had been ordinary (meaning scarce, perhaps?) in its fruit production in the past began to bear more fruit which are sweeter and juicier than its previous fruits.
When I shared this with some friends, they admitted that this is known to farmers. They hack the trunk of the jackfruit in several places, wounding but not killing it, in order to gain a better harvest of fruits.
This is so new to me, and it amazes me that plants and people are not so different at all. As soon as we realize that our mortality is real, and that our lives will end sooner than we think, we shape up. We clear those closets, pay those bills, call often those people we care about, leave letters, give instructions, make memories. We evaluate our values, we change our priorities. A quick course correction is done, and by and large, towards a more meaningful life.
At least, that’s what happened to me when I got the big, scary C diagnosis. I asked myself what has my life like in the past years? If I died on that day, will someone even miss me after a year has passed? Will remembering me bring a happy thought to somebody? Sadly, I admitted that my life had been mostly thinking and caring for myself - far different from person I thought, and hoped, I was.
So, multiple myeloma, and probably growing older did me good. As one cancer patient said, life after cancer is like “The Wizard of Oz” scene after Dorothy and her dog Toto landed in Munchkinland: the scene turned into full color. What had been a drifting, so-so life in black and white are in full color since then. Every ray of sun seems to bring smiles from the grass and trees and flowers. Rain is now rhythms – songs that only those that are really listening can hear. Snow, gorgeous in itself, is magic. A breeze is a kiss from God. Spring is magnificent, autumn is love!
I look and listen better now, most of the time at least. I try to listen with my heart, and not just with my ears. I see better, too, I think, despite the blur of cataracts in my eyes, because I try to see the good in people and not their shortcomings. I am not there yet, but I am on my way.
Are you in any way feel threatened and fearful? It is time to bear lots and lots of good fruit. It would not hurt if you make them sweet too!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Disappointed Hopes?
The night is mine!
No, I am not out strolling, nor am I in a bar partying with friends or something like that. I am just home, unable to sleep since midnight. My family is sound asleep, and I relish being alone with my thoughts...
I kind of miss this, actually. I had been out of my chemotherapy drugs for about three months, and I was pleased about it: my life was back to normal. Well, new normal for me.
After having been ravaged by multiple myeloma, radiation and chemotherapies of all sorts, I am now 1.5 inches shorter on my right leg; have cataracts on both eyes, had a lens transplant on my left eye; has hearing discrepancy on my left ear; got peripheral neuropathy on both legs and some on my hands. I now have hepatitis b; had been attacked by dengue fever, had two or three attacks of pneumonia, had shingles and had first hand knowledge of what 'writhing in pain' means when I had UTI a couple of years ago. Quite a resume, don't you think?
But yesterday, I had to have that pesky chemotherapy again - Velcade, Cytoxan, Dexamethasone - to bring down my cancer counts so that I can have the stem cell transplant that my oncologist planned for me.
So, here I am, experiencing anew the effects of the drugs: my stomach was queasy, was lightheaded for a short while, got very tired early so I slept, only to wake up at midnight, and tossed and turned for two hours. Now, I am just making full use of my sleeplessness. If I'm not mistaken, I will be very energetic tomorrow, but will be out of sorts by Sunday and Monday.
But you know what? There's a good side to this thing: It seems that I am able to draw out my deepest thougths at this time - is it cortisol, or something in the drugs I took? Hmmm... this is worth a study, or perhaps someone had already studied this? Add to that is the fact that I got a relief from this toothache that annoyed me this week, plus my right leg is not much of a bother tonight. I believe these are all from the steroid that caused all the havoc that I enumerated above. Well, short term benefits, versus long term destruction? Can I even vote?
It is a good thing that I have discovered these words a couple of weeks ago:
"... Even when called upon to surrender those things which in themselves are good, we may be sure that God is thus working out but for us some higher good."
"In the future life the mysteries that here have annoyed and disappointed us will be made plain. We shall see that our seemingly unanswered prayers and disappointed hopes have been among our greatest blessings." MH 475
With an assurance like this, who can not rejoice in this 'new normal'? I don't know about you, but I will bask in my greatest blessings today, and every day afterwards.
No, I am not out strolling, nor am I in a bar partying with friends or something like that. I am just home, unable to sleep since midnight. My family is sound asleep, and I relish being alone with my thoughts...
I kind of miss this, actually. I had been out of my chemotherapy drugs for about three months, and I was pleased about it: my life was back to normal. Well, new normal for me.
After having been ravaged by multiple myeloma, radiation and chemotherapies of all sorts, I am now 1.5 inches shorter on my right leg; have cataracts on both eyes, had a lens transplant on my left eye; has hearing discrepancy on my left ear; got peripheral neuropathy on both legs and some on my hands. I now have hepatitis b; had been attacked by dengue fever, had two or three attacks of pneumonia, had shingles and had first hand knowledge of what 'writhing in pain' means when I had UTI a couple of years ago. Quite a resume, don't you think?
But yesterday, I had to have that pesky chemotherapy again - Velcade, Cytoxan, Dexamethasone - to bring down my cancer counts so that I can have the stem cell transplant that my oncologist planned for me.
So, here I am, experiencing anew the effects of the drugs: my stomach was queasy, was lightheaded for a short while, got very tired early so I slept, only to wake up at midnight, and tossed and turned for two hours. Now, I am just making full use of my sleeplessness. If I'm not mistaken, I will be very energetic tomorrow, but will be out of sorts by Sunday and Monday.
But you know what? There's a good side to this thing: It seems that I am able to draw out my deepest thougths at this time - is it cortisol, or something in the drugs I took? Hmmm... this is worth a study, or perhaps someone had already studied this? Add to that is the fact that I got a relief from this toothache that annoyed me this week, plus my right leg is not much of a bother tonight. I believe these are all from the steroid that caused all the havoc that I enumerated above. Well, short term benefits, versus long term destruction? Can I even vote?
It is a good thing that I have discovered these words a couple of weeks ago:
"... Even when called upon to surrender those things which in themselves are good, we may be sure that God is thus working out but for us some higher good."
"In the future life the mysteries that here have annoyed and disappointed us will be made plain. We shall see that our seemingly unanswered prayers and disappointed hopes have been among our greatest blessings." MH 475
With an assurance like this, who can not rejoice in this 'new normal'? I don't know about you, but I will bask in my greatest blessings today, and every day afterwards.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Goodbye, Summer!
Thank you for your visit – it had been a wonderful three months or so. You must be leaving us soon: it has turned cooler, the leaves are beginning to get tinted with gold, orange and red, the children are no longer out in the sidewalks, and people are wearing their sweaters a bit more.
As I sort through all the photos of the recent months, I am already nostalgic. I wish you can stay longer. I had a wonderful time with you.
Who would not have a wonderful time? Birds chirping, cool mornings, long days, bright sunshine most of the time. Good, long morning walks, refreshing long drives, beaches, shorts and tank tops, sandals and flip-flops. Sunglasses, sand, sandals, sea, skirts, squirrels, starry nights. Brightly colored flower, juicy- red watermelons, barbecues, ice cold lemon juice, and my favorite this year: Selecta ice cream, buko salad flavor.
A sister’s visit. College reunion for me in Canada, high school reunion for my husband in Palm Desert, California. Meeting relatives and friends we have not seen for thirty or forty years.
A weekend in Toronto, a week-long foray into the national sites in Washington DC, a day trip and tour of Annapolis, an unplanned drive to Gettysburg. Sightseeing in the Luray Caverns of northern Virginia and a drive through Skyline Drive of Shenandoah National Park. My first drive on the Bay Bridge, turned at the first exit and promptly drove back.
.
There were downers, too: medical appointments, phlebotomy every week, dental appointments and procedures (ouch!), stem cell transplant, hepatitis b. Stop this drug, take this drug. Delay stem cell transplant. Waiting, hoping, waiting, hoping, waiting…
So long, Summer. Thank you for the good days – they will be kept in my “happy memory file.” Thank you, too, for the not-so-good days – they affirm that I am alive!
Cheers! Here’s hoping I’ll be around to welcome you next year.
As I sort through all the photos of the recent months, I am already nostalgic. I wish you can stay longer. I had a wonderful time with you.
Who would not have a wonderful time? Birds chirping, cool mornings, long days, bright sunshine most of the time. Good, long morning walks, refreshing long drives, beaches, shorts and tank tops, sandals and flip-flops. Sunglasses, sand, sandals, sea, skirts, squirrels, starry nights. Brightly colored flower, juicy- red watermelons, barbecues, ice cold lemon juice, and my favorite this year: Selecta ice cream, buko salad flavor.
A sister’s visit. College reunion for me in Canada, high school reunion for my husband in Palm Desert, California. Meeting relatives and friends we have not seen for thirty or forty years.
A weekend in Toronto, a week-long foray into the national sites in Washington DC, a day trip and tour of Annapolis, an unplanned drive to Gettysburg. Sightseeing in the Luray Caverns of northern Virginia and a drive through Skyline Drive of Shenandoah National Park. My first drive on the Bay Bridge, turned at the first exit and promptly drove back.
.
There were downers, too: medical appointments, phlebotomy every week, dental appointments and procedures (ouch!), stem cell transplant, hepatitis b. Stop this drug, take this drug. Delay stem cell transplant. Waiting, hoping, waiting, hoping, waiting…
So long, Summer. Thank you for the good days – they will be kept in my “happy memory file.” Thank you, too, for the not-so-good days – they affirm that I am alive!
Cheers! Here’s hoping I’ll be around to welcome you next year.
Then followed that beautiful season... Summer.... Filled was the air with a dreamy and magical light; and the landscape Lay as if new created in all the freshness of childhood.~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.~James Dent
Friday, July 15, 2011
What is really important?
We've changed our floors! Chaged the living room and hallway floor to hardwood, and replaced the carpet in the bedrooms, stairs and basement. Not that this is exciting at all, after our muscles are no longer sore, I am sure this will not get more than a glance. The upcoming stem cell transplant will depress my immune system, and it is important to keep the environment clean, that's the main reason for this exercise, and expense.
But here is the most exciting part for me. Umm, maybe not 'the most exciting,' but something that consumed a lot of my time: taking down the contents of our bookshelves and drawers -and putting them back afterwards! Hello - do I have that much stuff? We in our family accuse each other that the other fellow has the most stuff, and no one will admit it. Now, we have boxes of proof. In case you're curious, I am not the winner, ha-ha-ha!
Today (since 3:00 am) I had been going through the boxes, and here are what I found out:
1) My daughter is just like me. We keep old articles, save whatever paper we scribbled our thoughts on, diaries, photos, cards. We both have lots of unused notebooks, unfinished crafts, boxes of yarns, books - lots and lots of it. This is both revealing and humbling. I guess I should go easy on her - after all, she got it from me. She wins this contest hands down.
2) My husband is very organized. He has binders for everything: home budget, travel receipts, etc. No need to enumerate them here, it should be enough for me to say that I get a better picture of our family's over-all picture: financial, medical, history, travel life, loans from his records. In this respect, our daughter is just like him.
2) We are a family of readers (or would-be readers, by the looks of unopened books. LOL!) I have to accept that, and just get more bookshelves and organize them well in order to keep my sanity. Sigh! And to be resolved to the fact that two (or three?) rooms will always be cluttered!
3) Our son claims he has the least stuff in this house. I agree. But he has his share of 4 guitars, 1 violin, 1 cahone, and 4 - that something you connect your electric guitar to - forgot the name, blame it on sleeplessness - which fills up the room. I told him he has to have a bigger room/another room for his music gear. But, come to think of it, I like him to stay in his small room so that there will be no place for a drum set which he had been dreaming for so long.
4) To throw or not to throw - this is the question! I have a box of greeting cards sent to me by friends and acquaintances from all over the world. In an effort to save space, I have looked into these cards. It has now become clearer to me: I will not get rid of these hope-filled greetings that told me of the care and concern of a lot of people for me. Going through them one by one, I was tearing up again. No, this box will stay with me until I die, perhaps. They are precious to me.
Oh, being sleepless from a medication is not too bad, after all. Great ideas, deeper reflection, full concentration, having time for my devotions - I have learned to enjoy this time by now. Somehow this time helps me see what is really important in my life. It is really good!
So, wish me luck as I resolve to ruthlessly edit my things, saving only what has meaning, brings fulfillment, and has eternal value. And yes, sometimes, these things may cause a little clutter here and there. I won't mind.
But here is the most exciting part for me. Umm, maybe not 'the most exciting,' but something that consumed a lot of my time: taking down the contents of our bookshelves and drawers -and putting them back afterwards! Hello - do I have that much stuff? We in our family accuse each other that the other fellow has the most stuff, and no one will admit it. Now, we have boxes of proof. In case you're curious, I am not the winner, ha-ha-ha!
Today (since 3:00 am) I had been going through the boxes, and here are what I found out:
1) My daughter is just like me. We keep old articles, save whatever paper we scribbled our thoughts on, diaries, photos, cards. We both have lots of unused notebooks, unfinished crafts, boxes of yarns, books - lots and lots of it. This is both revealing and humbling. I guess I should go easy on her - after all, she got it from me. She wins this contest hands down.
2) My husband is very organized. He has binders for everything: home budget, travel receipts, etc. No need to enumerate them here, it should be enough for me to say that I get a better picture of our family's over-all picture: financial, medical, history, travel life, loans from his records. In this respect, our daughter is just like him.
2) We are a family of readers (or would-be readers, by the looks of unopened books. LOL!) I have to accept that, and just get more bookshelves and organize them well in order to keep my sanity. Sigh! And to be resolved to the fact that two (or three?) rooms will always be cluttered!
3) Our son claims he has the least stuff in this house. I agree. But he has his share of 4 guitars, 1 violin, 1 cahone, and 4 - that something you connect your electric guitar to - forgot the name, blame it on sleeplessness - which fills up the room. I told him he has to have a bigger room/another room for his music gear. But, come to think of it, I like him to stay in his small room so that there will be no place for a drum set which he had been dreaming for so long.
4) To throw or not to throw - this is the question! I have a box of greeting cards sent to me by friends and acquaintances from all over the world. In an effort to save space, I have looked into these cards. It has now become clearer to me: I will not get rid of these hope-filled greetings that told me of the care and concern of a lot of people for me. Going through them one by one, I was tearing up again. No, this box will stay with me until I die, perhaps. They are precious to me.
Oh, being sleepless from a medication is not too bad, after all. Great ideas, deeper reflection, full concentration, having time for my devotions - I have learned to enjoy this time by now. Somehow this time helps me see what is really important in my life. It is really good!
So, wish me luck as I resolve to ruthlessly edit my things, saving only what has meaning, brings fulfillment, and has eternal value. And yes, sometimes, these things may cause a little clutter here and there. I won't mind.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Pearl Wedding Anniversary
We have not had a party in a long while.
I had been on the brink of death a few times the past year.
My husband is always traveling, in airplanes of all kinds, cars - some nice, some without side view mirrors with all kinds of drivers, in foreign places. Someone calls an airplane 'flying coffin".
No wedding in sight yet, at the moment, for our children. (Sigh!)
Hoping that our children will know that a lasting marriage is possible even between imperfect people.
I will have stem cell transplant soon. Who knows what will happen next?
We have been married thirty years as of June 3, 2011.
We celebrated it on June 11, 2011. We had fun! Enjoy the photos.
I had been on the brink of death a few times the past year.
My husband is always traveling, in airplanes of all kinds, cars - some nice, some without side view mirrors with all kinds of drivers, in foreign places. Someone calls an airplane 'flying coffin".
No wedding in sight yet, at the moment, for our children. (Sigh!)
Hoping that our children will know that a lasting marriage is possible even between imperfect people.
I will have stem cell transplant soon. Who knows what will happen next?
We have been married thirty years as of June 3, 2011.
We celebrated it on June 11, 2011. We had fun! Enjoy the photos.
Friday, May 6, 2011
BMT.
Probably July.
Five sets of instructions.
And consents.
Not fun.
Words like "Mobilization (of stem cells from bone marrow to the blood using chemotherapy and growth factor) and leukapheresis (or collection of blood stem cells) for transplantation."
14. Liver function abnormalities (such as hepatitis from infections or drugs and veno- occlusive disease) that may be progressive
16. Failure of the stem cells to grow and produce normal red blood cells, white blood cells and platelets which would be fatal
Scary.
But I have this: "God's promises are leaves from the tree 'for the healing of the nations.'" Received, assimilated, they are to be the strength of the character, the inspiration and sustenance of life. NOthing else can have such healing power. Nothing besides can impart the courage and faith which give vital enegy to the whole being."
Sample:
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume
Others were given in exchange for you.
I traded their lives for yours
...because you are precious to me.
You are honored, and I love you.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
Sit up and walk tall, Ana. You have nothing to fear.
Probably July.
Five sets of instructions.
And consents.
Not fun.
Words like "Mobilization (of stem cells from bone marrow to the blood using chemotherapy and growth factor) and leukapheresis (or collection of blood stem cells) for transplantation."
14. Liver function abnormalities (such as hepatitis from infections or drugs and veno- occlusive disease) that may be progressive
16. Failure of the stem cells to grow and produce normal red blood cells, white blood cells and platelets which would be fatal
Scary.
But I have this: "God's promises are leaves from the tree 'for the healing of the nations.'" Received, assimilated, they are to be the strength of the character, the inspiration and sustenance of life. NOthing else can have such healing power. Nothing besides can impart the courage and faith which give vital enegy to the whole being."
Sample:
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume
Others were given in exchange for you.
I traded their lives for yours
...because you are precious to me.
You are honored, and I love you.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
Sit up and walk tall, Ana. You have nothing to fear.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Update on the 'Less Poisonous' Stuff
It has been more than one month into my new toxin-less regimen. I had to make some adjustments to mine, experimenting on what works best on me. If there is one thing I learned from my cancer treatments, it is the fact that we are so the same, yet so different at the same time!
I thought it would be good to just post the ingredients and formula for those who might be interested. Here goes:
*
Face Cleanser (Oil Cleansing Method)
For Normal Skin: 1:1 ratio of castor oil and extra virgin olive oil.
For Dry Skin: 1 part castor oil to 3 parts extra virgin olive oil.
For Acne-prone Skin: 3 parts castor oil to 1 part extra virgin olive oil.
Method:
1) Splash water on face
2) Rub it in.
3) Steam your face. I use a hot, damp face towel and put it on my face for a few minutes.
4) Wipe off oil.
I had used the one castor oil to 3 parts EVOO, I will try the one to one ratio and see if I will get better results.
*
Hair Care: 'Poo-less Shampoo
1 tablespoon baking soda to one cup (8 oz) water
Soak hair with water
Squeeze a bit of soda mixture to scalp. Massage mixture to scalp and hair.
Rinse.
*
"Conditioner" (actually, detangler)
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar to one cup water
If hair is too oily, use less vinegar
May use lemon juice.
*
So, please let me know if any of these works with you - I might want to partner with you to make a financial empire of... baking soda and water shampoo? Ha-ha-ha! My statistics professor told us one day in class that study after study done on the different brand of shampoos showed that "a shampoo is a shampoo is a shampoo." His words. All shampoos are the same, but, he added, "Tell any woman that - no one will believe you." ???? I remember his words whenever I see shampoos sold at $17 and higher for an 8 oz bottle - dampens my shopping enthusiasm.
One thing is sure: I will keep trying. This is an adventure - I know that the best things are just around us, common and inexpensive, maybe even ignored, and the key is is finding it.
Wanna share what you have found?
Until next post!
Friday, February 25, 2011
In Search of the Less Poisonous
After doing my share of readings of what worked and what did not work in cancer therapy, I have come across warnings against the use of shampoos, hair conditioners, skin lotions, cosmetics for the many poisonous ingredients that are in there. These poisons, many claim, make these products likeable.
I initially shrugged all these off, it could make one crazy just to think about all these. However, multiple myeloma seems to be a "poison-induced" cancer. Many patients have been found to have been exposed to insecticide, fertilizers, strong cleaning agents, etc.
Add to this the argument that we are very careful of our food, but we are indifferent (and sucker) to cosmetics because - skin absorbs what we put onto it just as well as our stomachs and intestines.
Okay, so I am in. My search led to me Simple Mom's site (simplemom.net), where she and her group of blogger friends have found a way to do a "'poo-less shampoo'" and an organic conditioner, and a facial treatment that is purely natural.
To make the long story short, I am one month into the facial treatment of 3 parts olive oil and 1 part castor oil. So far so good. Will let you know when I have reached the three month mark. And if I will get a supermodel complexion, I will post my photo here. If not, I will just tell you how much money I saved!
I am also one month into the 1 part baking soda plus 1 cup of water as a 'poo-less' shampoo. I altered my routine by using my tea tree oil shampoo once a week. This works better for me because it makes my hair looks and feel better. I will keep trying other combinations.
I have not tried the 1 part apple cider vinegar plus one cup of water' as conditioner yet. Maybe I should get into it and see what happens.
My only problem now is my skin lotion. It is winter and the heaters are quite notorious at drying the skin. I've used coconut cream lotion - it was okay, but during the first few minutes I smell like pina colada. I am about to finish the last bottle. What shall I do: shall I order more bottles, or shall I just use coconut oil direct as one blogger suggested? I have not tried it yet and if the smell is not too different from the one I am using now, it should be okay, right? And I have half a tub here in my kitchen. Hmmm.
Oh, well. That's living - we keep growing, learning, trying new things, discarding some of those things we hold almost sacred before, and embracing things considered gross a few days ago, like coconut oilfor skin lotion. I am glad to be alive! Cheers!
I initially shrugged all these off, it could make one crazy just to think about all these. However, multiple myeloma seems to be a "poison-induced" cancer. Many patients have been found to have been exposed to insecticide, fertilizers, strong cleaning agents, etc.
Add to this the argument that we are very careful of our food, but we are indifferent (and sucker) to cosmetics because - skin absorbs what we put onto it just as well as our stomachs and intestines.
Okay, so I am in. My search led to me Simple Mom's site (simplemom.net), where she and her group of blogger friends have found a way to do a "'poo-less shampoo'" and an organic conditioner, and a facial treatment that is purely natural.
To make the long story short, I am one month into the facial treatment of 3 parts olive oil and 1 part castor oil. So far so good. Will let you know when I have reached the three month mark. And if I will get a supermodel complexion, I will post my photo here. If not, I will just tell you how much money I saved!
I am also one month into the 1 part baking soda plus 1 cup of water as a 'poo-less' shampoo. I altered my routine by using my tea tree oil shampoo once a week. This works better for me because it makes my hair looks and feel better. I will keep trying other combinations.
I have not tried the 1 part apple cider vinegar plus one cup of water' as conditioner yet. Maybe I should get into it and see what happens.
My only problem now is my skin lotion. It is winter and the heaters are quite notorious at drying the skin. I've used coconut cream lotion - it was okay, but during the first few minutes I smell like pina colada. I am about to finish the last bottle. What shall I do: shall I order more bottles, or shall I just use coconut oil direct as one blogger suggested? I have not tried it yet and if the smell is not too different from the one I am using now, it should be okay, right? And I have half a tub here in my kitchen. Hmmm.
Oh, well. That's living - we keep growing, learning, trying new things, discarding some of those things we hold almost sacred before, and embracing things considered gross a few days ago, like coconut oilfor skin lotion. I am glad to be alive! Cheers!
MM Update
Okay, I know this is quite late for a new year update. On the other hand, each day is a new lease of life worth celebrating - it just happens that yours truly did not know what to say. Before today.
Well, you know that I got back home from my Philippine trip not quite refreshed, to put it nicely. All my cbc, wbc, platelet, neutrophils, etc. were down, so I was taken off meds for a couple of months. January I had a checkup and my oncologist had to change my drug. Started it January 12. So far, so good, less side effects although of course I don't know how much havoc it is causing inside. But still.
The downside is that this in a weekly IV infusion so I have to travel and be absent from work to get it. But after all I have gone through, a weekly trip to Baltimore is actually a great way to get out and update my medical knowledge!
Am hanging in there! As my friend who was born and raised in the heart of Cebu puts it, "Payts lang gyud bai!" (Keep fighting!)
Whatever your challenges are, let me say this to you, "Payts lang gyud bai!"
Well, you know that I got back home from my Philippine trip not quite refreshed, to put it nicely. All my cbc, wbc, platelet, neutrophils, etc. were down, so I was taken off meds for a couple of months. January I had a checkup and my oncologist had to change my drug. Started it January 12. So far, so good, less side effects although of course I don't know how much havoc it is causing inside. But still.
The downside is that this in a weekly IV infusion so I have to travel and be absent from work to get it. But after all I have gone through, a weekly trip to Baltimore is actually a great way to get out and update my medical knowledge!
Am hanging in there! As my friend who was born and raised in the heart of Cebu puts it, "Payts lang gyud bai!" (Keep fighting!)
Whatever your challenges are, let me say this to you, "Payts lang gyud bai!"
Friday, December 31, 2010
2010 Year-end Reflection
How did the year go for you? I hope it brought you joy, growth, improved relationships, more patience, more faith. Let me share with you the highs and lows of my 2010.
The single best thing that happened this year is that I am alive at the end of the year! I have been face to face with death two or three times this year, but God granted me life. Perhaps there are still things I need to do. Perhaps I am not ready. Whatever it is, each breath, each movement, strength, energy, sight, ability to hear - these are all gifts I took for granted, but not anymore. For me, each day now is precious, to be lived to the fullest.
One thing that brought me joy this year is that I still got a job in spite of my limitations, and that my employers thought I am still valuable. My pay may not be much, but this gave my confidence a boost. The best part of my job? Payday!:)
Did I grow? I'd like to think I did - but this has to be confirmed by my children and husband. I believe I am easier to live with this year, not stressed of every little thing that went awry. I thought first before I speak - most times anyway and thus avoided the harsh words that used to plague me and caused troubles and heartaches.
This year, I managed to shed off ten pounds, I can celebrate! Fifteen more to go!
The best spiritual lesson I got this year: Humility. And wow, the pruning process is really painful!
(Photo of one of the trees in Geneva,Switzerland. They are pruned in the fall perhaps to keep the foliage from getting out of hand.)
"Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and mometary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 1Cor 4: 16-18
The single best thing that happened this year is that I am alive at the end of the year! I have been face to face with death two or three times this year, but God granted me life. Perhaps there are still things I need to do. Perhaps I am not ready. Whatever it is, each breath, each movement, strength, energy, sight, ability to hear - these are all gifts I took for granted, but not anymore. For me, each day now is precious, to be lived to the fullest.
One thing that brought me joy this year is that I still got a job in spite of my limitations, and that my employers thought I am still valuable. My pay may not be much, but this gave my confidence a boost. The best part of my job? Payday!:)
Did I grow? I'd like to think I did - but this has to be confirmed by my children and husband. I believe I am easier to live with this year, not stressed of every little thing that went awry. I thought first before I speak - most times anyway and thus avoided the harsh words that used to plague me and caused troubles and heartaches.
This year, I managed to shed off ten pounds, I can celebrate! Fifteen more to go!
The best spiritual lesson I got this year: Humility. And wow, the pruning process is really painful!
(Photo of one of the trees in Geneva,Switzerland. They are pruned in the fall perhaps to keep the foliage from getting out of hand.)
"Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and mometary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 1Cor 4: 16-18
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Letter, October 2010
Bacolod Adventist Medical Center, Rm # 316
Taculing, Bacolod City, Philippines
October 7, 2010
Dear Family and Friends,
Thank you so much for all your prayers for me in my most recent brush with death. It was a most terrifying experience.I was in Isabela, Negros Occidental spending time with my mother and some family members. I developed a high grade fever. My brother and sister-in-law, both doctors, examined me immediately, to rule out dengue! The fever persisted for four days – I was examined twice a day, my blood counts were checked daily, and everything seemed to point to a viral infection, without any sign of rash or dengue.
At the 4th day, my fever abated, and, lo, I saw scary looking petticheae on my legs. I called my brother and asked that I be reserved a room at BSH, because I am going there for admission. My platelet count the previous day was 98 (thousand), so I was not that concerned.
At the ER, after all the preliminaries, I waited for the aide to take me up to my room. My brother looked concerned (so that was how he looked when he is stressed!)– the ER nurse said my platelet count was “low” but avoided saying the actual figure… however, the admitting PGI spilled the beans, “it was 4!” he told me.
I was speechless for a few seconds. I know the normal is way up there – at least 150thousand… maybe 300,000. And here am I – closer to zero, closer to death than to life.
There is nothing else to do but talk to the Lord. I had prepared for this time in my mind over and over again several times in the past. So now, what will I do? Nothing more, except talk with God, say my goodbyes to my family, and relax and wait for the time when I walk that magic door that will take me “home.” My husband and son are in Maryland, Shari is on her way here and will be here tomorrow. I hope she will be here on time.
Well, there’s nothing else to do but wait. I recited the verses that I committed to memory: Psalm 103
Praise the LORD, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
There were other verses too, and they all kept me calm. That special paragraph from the “Desire of Ages” that I came across with recently in my reading:
“The omnipotent power of the Holy Spirit is the defense of every contrite soul.....With Him there can be no such thing as failure, loss, impossibility or defeat; we can do all things through Him who strengthens us...”
Giving up/giving in is the easy way out – fighting is so much harder, it requires a lot more from oneself. I had been tempted to give up, but that would be denying my faith. This is the time where the proverbial “face to face with fear’” or something like that is so true to me, but face it I will.
So here am I today, waiting for my body to regulate itself and dreaming of the time when I can get out of this hospital and go home. Home sounded so good!
Whew! We really do not realize what a precious gift we have in this amazing bodies we have. We are surely fearfully and wonderfully made!
Until next time, if ever there will still be a next time.
I love you all.
Taculing, Bacolod City, Philippines
October 7, 2010
Dear Family and Friends,
Thank you so much for all your prayers for me in my most recent brush with death. It was a most terrifying experience.I was in Isabela, Negros Occidental spending time with my mother and some family members. I developed a high grade fever. My brother and sister-in-law, both doctors, examined me immediately, to rule out dengue! The fever persisted for four days – I was examined twice a day, my blood counts were checked daily, and everything seemed to point to a viral infection, without any sign of rash or dengue.
At the 4th day, my fever abated, and, lo, I saw scary looking petticheae on my legs. I called my brother and asked that I be reserved a room at BSH, because I am going there for admission. My platelet count the previous day was 98 (thousand), so I was not that concerned.
At the ER, after all the preliminaries, I waited for the aide to take me up to my room. My brother looked concerned (so that was how he looked when he is stressed!)– the ER nurse said my platelet count was “low” but avoided saying the actual figure… however, the admitting PGI spilled the beans, “it was 4!” he told me.
I was speechless for a few seconds. I know the normal is way up there – at least 150thousand… maybe 300,000. And here am I – closer to zero, closer to death than to life.
There is nothing else to do but talk to the Lord. I had prepared for this time in my mind over and over again several times in the past. So now, what will I do? Nothing more, except talk with God, say my goodbyes to my family, and relax and wait for the time when I walk that magic door that will take me “home.” My husband and son are in Maryland, Shari is on her way here and will be here tomorrow. I hope she will be here on time.
Well, there’s nothing else to do but wait. I recited the verses that I committed to memory: Psalm 103
Praise the LORD, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
There were other verses too, and they all kept me calm. That special paragraph from the “Desire of Ages” that I came across with recently in my reading:
“The omnipotent power of the Holy Spirit is the defense of every contrite soul.....With Him there can be no such thing as failure, loss, impossibility or defeat; we can do all things through Him who strengthens us...”
Giving up/giving in is the easy way out – fighting is so much harder, it requires a lot more from oneself. I had been tempted to give up, but that would be denying my faith. This is the time where the proverbial “face to face with fear’” or something like that is so true to me, but face it I will.
So here am I today, waiting for my body to regulate itself and dreaming of the time when I can get out of this hospital and go home. Home sounded so good!
Whew! We really do not realize what a precious gift we have in this amazing bodies we have. We are surely fearfully and wonderfully made!
Until next time, if ever there will still be a next time.
I love you all.
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